Smile Politely

Things I could live without in 2011

Well, it’s another year, which means another set of resolutions for me. Each year it becomes more and more important for me to try and trim back certain aspects of my life. I’m not sure why, but doing more with less always seems to be the best way to go. Prior to Snooki dropping the ball, the only true resolution I wanted to make was to read and write more. So far, my resolution isn’t panning out. I managed to find everything there was to do over the weekend besides reading and writing.

All of the time that I wasted gave me the opportunity to think about things that I would like to see disappear from my life, possibly even from this planet, in 2011. The following is a brief snapshot of some key people, items and habits that I would like to see evanesce:

#1: Ugg Boots

First of all, can someone please tell me why these are still in fashion? Better yet, can anyone tell me how the hell they are becoming more and more popular? After all, I’ve seen a reduction in Croc wearing, so why in god’s name can’t someone eradicate Uggs from the fashion plate? I wrote an article about Uggs in 2008, hoping that it would help get the word out about how terrible these boots are, but I guess my article probably helped increase sales.

Last year, had I had the authority to do so, I would have quarantined all of the sororities and then forced them to relinquish their Uggs to be burned in a massive pile of woolly, sweaty and leathery flames. If I was Bill Gates, I would go even further and buy all of the Uggs in the world so that I could shoot them into space. I guess that I just don’t get them. Yeah, they might be comfortable, but if comfort means fashionable, I might as well buy jumpsuits and sweatpants to wear every day of the year.

Uggs are everywhere now too. I can’t get away from them. Even Wal-Mart has its own version of Uggs, which I call Wuggs, and they can be purchased by shoppers of all income levels. This is seriously spreading like a disease. Member’s Only jackets didn’t even get this kind of acclaim! And what about Zubaz? Why aren’t we still wearing those? They probably would look great with Uggs, forming a true statement that it’s easier to give up on life.

Instead of trying to get rid of all the Uggs in the world, my true resolution to this problem is to ignore Uggs altogether. That’s right, I am not going to even acknowledge that they exist. As far as I’m concerned, if someone is wearing Uggs, then they are missing their lower legs and feet.


#2: Sarah Palin

I don’t think I even have to explain this, do I? After all, she is the worst thing to happen to America since disco.


#3: Snooki

This is pretty straightforward as well. Why in the hell do we idolize people like this? First it was Flavor Flav, then it was New York, and now we have Snooki. If I met Snooki on the street, my only question would be, “What gives you the right?”

I can’t really blame her though. If someone gave me the opportunity to make millions for being a jackass, I don’t think I could pass that deal up. However, that would be acting for me, and I don’t think I could keep up the charade as long as Snooki has done; I would try pretty damn hard though. Snooki is a professional idiot, nothing more, nothing less. She really makes every effort to make herself look the part too. After all, when a judge tells you that you are a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”, you know you’ve hit bottom. I think the judge intended to insult Snooki, but I’m sure she took it as a compliment.

Maybe Sarah Palin could hunt Snooki. There’s an idea. Sarah needs to work on her shooting first. Apparentlym she can’t hit the broad side of a barn with a .30-06 rifle standing ten feet away from it.


#4: Processed Chicken

I recently read a brief blog on regarding processed chicken and I nearly vomited. I had my assumptions regarding how McNuggets and other processed chicken is made, but I had no idea that a McNugget is the chicken equivalent of a Hot Dog. So, how is processed chicken made? Well, to be succinct, you take a chicken and pulverize all of it until it becomes a mushy, malleable pink glob of goo. Some places will even mash up the beaks and feet into the mix. Bones are usually left out, thankfully.

The grosses part about the process is how the pink goo is boxed up. Just to be safe, before it can be packaged, it has to be soaked in ammonia. Once that is completed, it’s time to get a box ready to go. As the mess of meat is pushed out of a sieve, it resembles giant, pink Play-Doh or Silly Putty. It is truly unsettling to think that I have voluntarily eaten this crap. I am ashamed of myself.

I guess this processed mess doesn’t have flavor either. That is added in later, along with all types of preservatives, prior to being shipped, deep fried and served to the consumer. I swear on my life that I will no longer eat processed chicken. I’m not going back to being a vegetarian, but I think I will be able to leave this type of meat out of my life for good.


#5: Late Night Eating

Ever since college I have felt the urge to eat late at night. This unfortunate habit has stuck with me for too many years. I wish I could say that I only eat late when I go out for a few drinks, but I never discriminate a drunk night with a sober night. No matter what night it is, I tend to want to eat something before I go to sleep. Half of the time I’ll end up consuming something full of sugar, which then keeps me up for an extra hour or two.

Most doctors and dieticians recommend eating the last meal of the day between 6 and 7 p.m. I rarely eat dinner before 7:30 or even 8 p.m. This is becoming a very bad habit. When I eat that late, I tend to overeat and then I can’t move from my couch. I have heard that it is better to eat your food at an actual dinner table, not in a place where you relax, because it is easy to associate the couch with food. I am going to try this and see how it goes. I am also going to try my hardest not to go through Taco Bell at 2 a.m. I will miss you, Taco Bell. You have always been there for me. I have to walk away from this article and cry a little.


I’m back and emotionally stable enough to write again now, so I shall proceed:

I know that there are much better resolutions out there for me, and truthfully I don’t think Snooki and Sarah Palin will disappear anytime soon. I’m keeping my fingers crossed on the Ugg Boots though. I keep praying that there is an increase in ankle fractures while wearing Uggs. Hell, I would even settle for an outbreak of some type of foot rot, which would be unfortunate, but at least it might steer people away from them.

I think that I can stick to not eating processed chicken and late night snacks/meals. The eating late part is going to be my biggest challenge. I enjoy challenges and I think that this one will be an interesting roller coaster ride of emotion. I better call Taco Bell and let them know that their stock is about to drop.

I’m not sure what your resolutions are, so feel free to share. While getting rid of Uggs, Palin and Snooki is not a viable option for me, I am going to do my best to ignore them. Probably the best thing for me to do right now is to change my homepage from Yahoo to Google, so that I am not bombarded by what is trending right now. Once I change my homepage, I think I’ll try avoiding Green Street. Although Uggs have made their way to cougar town and beyond, the largest population of Uggs seems to be in the heart of U of I’s campus. I’m too old to be down there anyway.

Regardless of my age or my own resolutions, I wish the readers of Smile Politely the best in 2011. I will work on writing more articles, since that is also one of my goals. Please be patient with me though, because I’m not going to give up my ability to procrastinate, ever!

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