Governor Bruce Rauner was arrested last night at the Governor’s Mansion in Springfield after he was seen through his master bedroom window ripping a 6-foot bong with glowing red eyes.
The witness, who was a former employee of Eastern Illinois University, promptly called the police, who presumably also had a bone to pick with Rauner over the budget impasse, and immediately placed him under arrest. Upon further search of the premises, 16 fully-grown marijuana plants were discovered buried under the Governor’s Maserati collection.
The witness, who did not want to be identified by name, had some blunt words for the Governor:
Karma sucks, asshole.
We’ll have more on this story as it develops.
UPDATE
After of a couple of hours in police custody, Governor Rauner has descended from his marijuana-induced coma and is apparently thinking lucidly for the first time in a long time. He spoke to SP over the phone, saying:
You guys had to know I was high as hell when all this bullshit happened, right? Like I’m talking Burning Man-levels of high. For months. I woudn’t actually hold kids’ futures hostage. I’m not a monster, I swear.
When asked whether or not he’d reconsider any of his budget demands, Rauner said, simply:
Yeah, fuck it, I’ll sign whatever. I’m really not a bad guy.
Honestly, this explains a lot. I kinda feel bad for the guy, now. Sorry for always ripping on you, Bruce. I hate to see you go to jail over some pot, but I guess you’d rather have it that way, right? Karma sucks, asshole.