Smile Politely

‘twas the weeks before Christmas

It turns out I don’t have any idea what I want for Christmas. It’s a good thing I haven’t sat on Santa’s lap yet, because it would likely be very uncomfortable for both of us as I sat there in an endless loop of uncertainty. I was going to mention something about sexual tension, but c’mon, it’s Santa. He only comes once a year and I’m fairly certain he’s not gonna waste that one on me. Ba Dum!

Seriously though, I have no idea what I want, so you get to find out what I might want right along with me … and yes, I’m aware that might not seem all that great. Let’s get it on.


I began my journey for a gift I might want at They should maybe change the name of that site to The first gift on their list is Swiss Army glasses. It seemed sort of cool until I saw them and they were just sunglasses. No cool shit pulls out of the side, there’s no saw blade or corkscrew. They are just freaking sunglasses. Who the hell wants that for Christmas? I’d rather get socks. Next.

Actually, the next two or three gift ideas are just as bad. A clock that also charges your phone? Whoa, that’s pretty crazy, but I’m not James fucking Bond over here. There’s some perfume. Yeah, they call it cologne, but you know, it’s pretty much perfume. If I get perfume and sunglasses, I’m calling off Christmas next year. They managed to get my attention with an electric meat smoker, but even that is just a little too modern for me. I’ll stick to the old school, terribly inefficient way, screw you very much.

There was a bunch of other stuff, but it all seemed either stupid or too complicated for me, so I decided to move on from Men gifts suck anyway. I’d probably prefer something a boy would like for Christmas. Yes, I’ll get tired of it very quickly, but you need at least one gift like that.


From here, my boredom with being an adult led me to type in the most dangerous toys, as that seemed far more up my alley.

Well, now we’re talking. The first one is the Supasplat Splatblaster. This is apparently a gun that shoots little balls at a high velocity. It even comes with safety glasses, so you know that shit is sort of dangerous. Still, my old BB gun never even came with safety glasses and my dumbass can still see, so it appears the Supasplat is just not nearly dangerous enough.

Note: Actually, I think I’ve come closer to losing my eyesight due to moonshine intake than to any sort of projectile, but whatever.

The Kung Fu Panda Sword of Heroes looks pretty menacing and they say the blade is rigid and can cause injury if you smack someone in the face with it. Well, sure, but that’s also true of a freaking pair of shoes. Man, people these days don’t even know what dangerous means. The Walkaroo aluminum stilts would maybe seem a little dangerous to me, but only because I exceed the weight limit by a few hundred pounds. Geez, Christmas may suck after all.


I began to search around frantically. There’s a chessboard that you hang on the wall so you can play chess vertically instead of horizontally. Holy fucking god, that sounds miserable. I don’t even really like playing the normal way.

There’s a flash drive that looks like a gun.

Yeah, I’d really like to accidentally get shot because I’m waving around the USB drive that I got for Christmas. Am I crazy for saying that the only things that should look like real guns are real guns?

“But Chief, I had to shoot him. He was going for a download.”

The way everyone and everything seems to be getting shot around these parts lately, it’s just not a chance I’m going to take.

Okay, here’s something, a mouse pad that is of a big-breasted woman and is 3D. I’m not sure if 3D means her bra sized or three-dimensional.

Well, that seems like a fine gift. I may have actually stumbled on a way to make my Internet browsing even creepier. Honestly, I’m not sure if I could roll my hand over that thing all day or not. A person would really, really have to like boobies. Um, moving on.

There was a little cigarette lighter that is shaped like a fire extinguisher. What the piss? Why are they trying to confuse us so much this year? Is it a gun, no, it’s a USB. Is it a fire extinguisher, no, it’s a lighter. Is it a gift, no, it’s a piece of crap.

There’s a blood pressure monitor that will attach to your iPhone or iPad. You wrap it around your arm and then simply plug it in to the phone. Geez, talk about making your Apple product very uncool, very quickly. It’s like putting a colostomy bag attachment on a Big Wheel.

There was a portable Ping Pong set, so you can play anywhere on any surface. I bet this is fun until it occurs to you that the essential thing needed in a game of Ping Pong is the fucking Ping Pong table. Everything else is fairly easy to come by.

Ooh, what about a collection of different kinds of salts. By salts, I mean the kind you cook with, not the bath kind that makes you rip off other people’s faces. I suppose you should be careful about that. One of them is just a crumby gift, while the other one can really ruin Christmas for the whole family.

After a certain point, I ran out of energy. If I don’t find a new and cool gift for this year, I bet I can still have a swell Christmas. I mean, there’s always XBOX games and fine Scotch whiskey and that’s really what the holidays are all about to me anyway, getting shit I’m going to totally abuse until it’s time to go back to work. “What is that? Whiskey! Well, I’m going to be just fine after all.” Merry Christmas, bitches.


I stumbled on this and it really made me laugh out loud.

She seems so sincere, but I have to believe it was a joke. How the hell do you say that and keep a straight face. Either way, I don’t feel all that sorry for the guy in the story.


  • The Saturday Night Drinking Club is really coming along and is sort of fun. The All Day Sunday Wake Up Late and Feel Like Freaking Piss Club is not nearly as much fun.
  • Wow, yesterday was 12/12/12. It’s always cool when that happens. Fine, it seems cool for about 15 seconds. I’m not a big math fella, but I’m guessing that shit is not going to happen again for a long assed time.

Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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