Smile Politely

The Green Menace

Saturday, June 14, is the grand opening of the new Legends Golf Course located at 4551 Nicklaus Dr. (off Staley Road between Windsor and Curtis) in Champaign.

I don’t know about you — maybe you’re one of those insane golfer types so you might be delirious and giddy that there is yet another golf course opening in C-U. But I am not. I’m mad as hell. I really hate golf. I loathe it. Of all sports, I despise golf more than any other. Why? Not only is golf a huge waste of time, but it is a gross waste of land.

Look at the map below of Champaign-Urbana. Do you see those huge green, cancerous lesions that are eating away at our community? Those are golf courses, my dear readers, and they must be stopped before they consume our entire civilization.

I really can’t believe no one is doing anything about this. The Green Menace known as golf is destroying our planet a heckuva lot faster than global warming. But nobody seems to care. We’re all just idly sitting back like we’re on drugs watching our neighborhoods disappear.

Mark my words. They laughed at Al Gore fifteen years ago when he warned us about global warming. They thought he was a nut. Now, he’s an Academy Award winner. It will be a similar story for me and golf courses. You might not take me seriously now, but in another decade I’ll probably have a Tony for my efforts to save the world. At least an Obie.

Think about it. Is it moral and right to use such obscene amounts of acreage just so a bunch of wealthy white guys can stroll around in their khaki shorts and polo shirts as they try to sink their meaningless little white balls into a cup? Isn’t there something better that could be done with this land? Like — I don’t know — use it to build houses for the homeless or some goody-goody crap like that?

Now, I will admit, golf courses are kind of pretty with their rolling green hills of neatly manicured lawns. So why don’t we just turn them all into lovely community parks so everyone can enjoy them? Let’s put some bike trails through them and turn the sand pits into sand boxes for the kiddos. Or we could turn them into amusement parks and use the golf carts for go carts.

One thing is for sure — something has to be done about this growing problem.

Well, I’m not waiting around for my home to become the 18th hole. I’m takin’ it to the streets right now. Consider this article an anti-golf petition. If you want to help stop the Green Menace, then simply leave a comment and express your willingness just to say no to golf courses.

Right on!

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