Smile Politely

Stories About Balls

It’s weird to me when I’m balls to the walls busy. I mean, I’m usually sort of busy, but I also usually have a fair amount of dick-a-round time. This has not been the case for a couple of weeks. I miss playing my XBOX. I miss making a meal that doesn’t consist of a few pieces of meat put inside of two pieces of bread. I even miss deciding I want to have a night on the town and being able to do that without worrying about the next day.

Yes, the time goes faster, but I’m not necessarily a huge fan of that. I much prefer a much more stately pace where I can really examine the minutia of my life. Yes, this is possibly another way of saying I’m lazy. Actually, that’s exactly what it is. Let’s get it on.


Before we get to the main part of this section, I’d just like to congratulate the Fighting Illini basketball team for making this a really fucking weird year for everyone involved. They are becoming like a crazy girl I went out with in college. “Hey, this is going great. Um, wait, this is actually pretty terrible all of a sudden. Okay, it’s not that bad. Ooh, I can’t take this anymore. Wait, actually she’s fine again.” Hopefully their season will end better than that particular relationship…but I wouldn’t count on it.


I was at the gym this past Sunday, and much to my surprise, the Harlem Globetrotters were on the television. Yeah, I know, there are a couple of things wrong with that sentence. Sure, it’s totally weird that the Harlem Globetrotters are still on freaking TV, but it’s also kind of strange that I was at the gym. Trust me, it all felt very weird to me, as well.
When I was younger, I used to love the Globetrotters. I never grew tired of watching them pass the ball in crazy ways and throw up half court shots that always seemed to find their way to the basket. Hell, I spent three or four years of my life trying to learn to spin a basketball on my finger. That worked out really well, as I can now spin one for about four seconds, which is way better than those two second spins I would do as a kid. Actually, it’s not so much spinning as a slight delay in gravity, but I’ll take it.

Either way, it didn’t feel the same when I was watching the Globetrotters this time. Yes, I was sweaty and crabby and hungover and on a fucking treadmill, but it still wasn’t the same as I remember. Yes, the cast is far different. I didn’t see Meadowlark or Curly or Goose, but that’s not it. I just think they may just not be something a guy like me can enjoy once they get older.

I mean, shit, those guys are traveling all the time. As a faithful Illini fan, I’m very seasoned at noticing violations on the other team, so the Globetrotters must be the other team now. Holy crap, I’m a Generals fan all of a sudden. Still though, they were sliding all over the place on their knees and changing their pivot foot and the referees didn’t call any of that shit. Those guys wouldn’t be qualified to ref a grade school game.

Here’s another thing, why the hell are they always playing the same damned team every week? It’s always the Globetrotters versus the Generals. Trust me, the Generals aren’t all that special of a team. Do the Generals never learn? Geez, they fall for that fake bounce pass every fucking trip down the court. Show a little restraint once in awhile. Hell, sometimes they even step out of the way when a Globetrotter is going in for a dunk. Take a fucking charge, you pussy.

I’ve seen a lot of Harlem games and I’ve never seen the Generals win once. Seriously, is the spread in Vegas the same every damned game? I’d like the see one of the Generals take over and really light it the fuck up some night. I mean, they totally could. I’ve never seen a Globetrotter play any sort of defense. Go back to the basics, do some pick and rolls, box out, and knock those Globetrotters off that lofty little perch they’ve placed themselves on. Sure, it may make a few little kids cry, but the vindication, oh, the sweet vindication.

Also, if the Trotters are so freaking good, why aren’t they in the NBA? I mean, I’m sure every team in the league could use a guy who could hit a half court shot consistently. Hell, they’d even take you if you could hit 40% of your half court shots. Of course, they will probably guard you in the NBA, not much, but a little. I’m guessing even a little guarding is far too much guarding for a Globetrotter though. I’m sorry but I’m just not buying your shit anymore, Mr. Fancy Smancy Globetrotter.


I figure since I talked about the Globetrotters I might as well continue with the “Harlem” theme and post a video of the Harlem Shakes. I don’t know what the piss it is, but then again, I’m old and I’m probably not supposed to. It’s just that other old people seem to be aware of it, so I made an effort to figure it out by watching the video below.


I’m still very confused after several compulsory viewings. It seems like it should be funny to me, but so far it hasn’t sunk in. I mean, if I did it with my buddies, I think we might find it funny, but I can’t see anyone else seeing it as amusing. Actually, that’s true about most things.


Well, the PeckaKucha went very well last Friday. That is my viewpoint anyway. I didn’t piss my pants on stage, so that’s good. I remembered most of it, so that’s good, too. A bunch of my friends and my mom came, so that’s good…at least for me. I think my presentation went okay but it really seems like a blur now. Thank you all for coming…or however you reacted.

Wow, so there’s gonna be a new Pope. Fantastic. What with that and the NCAA basketball tournament, I’ll have quite a busy month coming up. See, that’s funny because I really only care about one of those things. I’ll let you figure out which one.

When Neil Hamburger tweets, I laugh. He’s just the best.

If a hooker gets a facelift, is it like turning back her hoe-dometer? Is that even legal?

Dick Shaver would be a pretty good porn name. Of course, it would require a fair amount of grooming. It’s a good thing girls aren’t named “Dick” because that would be just terrifying.

Buona Sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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