Smile Politely

Religions of the World

Ed. note: In the ongoing battle against complacency, we here at Smile Politely are always looking to add new voices to our choir, if you will, but we count on you, dear reader, to help us decide whether you enjoy different directions that we pursue. Give Collin’s article a read and let us know in the comments what you think of it. Thanks, and have a wonderful day.

Throughout the course of time, mankind has debated among itself as to the existence of a god. “There is too a god!” one side is bound to say. “I mean, how could there not be? We have all this stuff.”

“You’re an idiot,” the other side will say. “Anyone who believes in an all-seeing, all-knowing god who looks down and judges us at all times is barbaric. Why don’t you put on some robes and dance around a slaughtered virgin, you troglodyte!”

I, for one, blame science for this argument. If scientists were so damn smart they would have already gone out of their way to prove conclusively whether or not god is an infinitely powerful being who examines us all from the clouds or just something made up by the corporations to sell more bibles. I think that this amazing lack of initiative on the part of science is unforgivable; until they figure out this god thing we should boycott all products that science had any part in. That’ll teach ’em.

But one thing we can all agree on, whether we be creepy religious wackjobs or godless heathen baby smokers, is this: If there indeed is a god, he’s not doing a great job. Seriously, just take a look around you. Is this the kind of life that you think would win any awards for “greatest creator”? The economy is failing, we’re in more than one unpopular war, and we just elected a black guy president. And not even a football player, just a skinny dude from Hawaii. Not that I feel that being of African-American descent should be a mark against anyone, it’s just that I think Michael Vick had some fascinating ideas about this country.

Anyway, the point is thus: Shit is fuked up. But what can we do about it, aside from simply disavow all knowledge of god and start sulking around like angry teenagers who didn’t get that Evanescence CD we wanted so badly? Well, first off, that’s a pretty bad ass plan. I’ve got tons of black t-shirts with funny slogans on them like, “You laugh because I’m different. I laugh because you’re all the same,” or, “If you keep staring I’ll do a trick.” I feel they let the world know that I am both witty and have never touched a woman. But, despite the Swiftian wit of my shirts and the Wentzian intensity of my angst, simply being a whiny little bitch isn’t going to get anything done. No, ladies and gentlemen, we have to do more than simply ignore religion. We have to actively mock it!

Now, in my humble opinion, all religions are equally suitable for vicious mocking. However, the Jews control Hollywood, the Scientologists control other parts of Hollywood and the Muslims will kill you. And if I start mocking Buddhism it’s gonna be a lot harder to pick up sophomore philosophy chicks at keggers.

So, Christianity it is. Now, I feel comfortable making bold, rash generalizations about this religion because I was raised in it. I was brought into this world as a Catholic, which means that after slapping my ass, the doctor started blaming me for letting strange men touch my butt. I’m not quite sure what the difference is between Catholicism and other various splinter groups of Christianity, but there seem to be some. I know that some groups believe that when they take communion, which is the part of the service where you get down on your knees and have little bit of wine and a small Jesus cracker, they are literally eating the body and blood of Christ. Others believe that they are metaphorically eating the body and blood of Christ. Clearly, one side is right and the other is a bunch of raving lunatics worshiping an irrelevant set of superstitions. I’m not quite sure which is which, but as soon as I find out, I shall report back.

But despite all of that arguing about whether or not children should drink blood or wine — and what is worse, having children grow up into vampires or hobos? — there is one thing that all major Christian organizations agree upon: Every single thing in the known universe hinges on the eternal battle between a zombie with superpowers and a talking snake in a tree. Yes indeed, a guy who was once dead, but is now alive and has the ability walk on water and such is fighting an evildoer who likes to appear as a snake that can talk. Meanwhile, most Christians like to mock fringe cults.

“Hey you nut jobs down in Waco,” they’ll say. “How can you possibly believe that the messiah is just a failed musician with a bunch of automatic weapons? It’s CRAZY to think that guy’s gonna be your savior. Clearly, thousands of years ago, an omnipotent, invisible voice from the sky sent a glowing angel down from the heavens so that he could impregnate a peasant girl and force her to give birth to a superhero who will create fish out of thin air and judge you when you masturbate.”

Of course you might all be saying, “Hey there Mr. Smarty Pants! It’s easy to sit there and mock every little inconsistency in our particular Religious Beliefs, but what about all the good we do in the name of religion? What about that?” Well listen up, voice inside my head, I get it. You’re tired of all of us in the elite liberal media mocking everything you hold dear. In fact, I bet it makes you angry. I bet it makes you so angry, you wanna get a gun or two, and finally show that Dan Rather how you really feel! Well, I’m with you. I hate Dan Rather. Pompous old windbag.

And on that note, I’m out. Have a pleasant day everybody, and don’t forget: Anyone who believes anything ever is stupid. Thank you.

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