Smile Politely

Politics and poker may or may not mix

Well, that first Smile Politely column is out of the way. It was very nice, yet oddly inexplicable, that people seemed to enjoy it. The most frequently asked question was whether the dog in the picture belonged to me. He does and his name is Louis. He’s a fine specimen and let me tell you this, if you enjoy watching something crap a whole lot, you’ll find this dog completely captivating. He’s just a puppy and makes Andy Dick seem calm and reasonable by comparison. He likes long walks and pushing people to the ground. He will eat metal, but prefers rawhide. Metal turns out to be much cheaper for me.

Besides that, my mother didn’t care for the smart-assed Debbie McComber comment someone left (yeah, I’m looking right at you, Laurie Andrews). Other than that it all went great and it was swell that people took the time to comment and all that. Hopefully you will all still have that swell attitude the first time I piss you off with this column. This moment will likely happen sooner than you think.

So anyway, thanks for reading. Let’s get it on.


I sincerely don’t like talking about politics, at all. So, having said that, guess what I’m going to talk about? I really don’t care for that Rick Santorum guy. How the piss are people still voting for him? I would imagine that a puritan in the 1700s would say he’s a “little too strict for their liking.” He seems to think religion is more important than government, but the thing is, I bet it’s really only his particular religion. He strikes me as the kind of guy who won’t have sex standing up because he fears it will lead to dancing.

I heard an interview the other day where he insinuated that sex should only be for procreation. I’m guessing that he feels that way only because he isn’t doing it correctly. I also know he seems to hate the homosexuals. I assume this is because he would secretly like to be one someday. The thing is, there are, quite fortunately, far more homosexuals than Rick Santorums, so it’s far easier for me to just hate him instead of all the other people.

It just seems like he’s getting way too much support, especially in a country where many people know how to read and form thoughts. I can only assume his supporters are walking amongst us and it makes me nervous. In all fairness, I dislike every other presidential candidate, too. It’s just that I hate sweater boy more, just probably not as much as he hates himself.

POKER, I barely…

A bunch of us used to play poker every week, but that was a long time ago, like when Nicholas-Cage-was-still-considered-a-good-actor-long-time-ago. So, it’s been an extended hiatus, but we broke out of it last week by playing twice. It was way more fun than I expected, but to be fair, I wasn’t expecting all that much to begin with.

We don’t play that Texas Hold ‘em stuff like all the kids. We instead play what most people would probably call “dipshit poker.” Some games are standard, some games are made up, and a few games make virtually no sense at all. Most of the games we play begin with a verb and end with a noun. Games like “Screw your neighbor,” “Follow the Queen,” and “Slap the crazy monkey with a wet rag.” Fine, the last one was made up, but it would seem completely normal at our table.

I did, however, manage to win almost $30 over both nights. All of this totally justified my belief that I could one day become a professional poker player. The real trick to such a career change will be learning how to live on $28 a week. In all fairness though, I did subtract my beer expenses from my profit total, so it’s really a lot more money than it seems like.

COMPLETELY UNTRUE RUMOR (that we should all try to start this week)

Actress Daryl Hannah will only eat meat she has personally killed with a bow and arrow.


  • I saw where someone threw a bag of flour on Kim Kardashian. What a terrible act of celebu-terrorism. I feel so bad for her I will refrain from making any sort of “looking for the wet spots” joke.
  • If food is the fuel you put in the gas tank of your body, KFC is definitely the sugar in that gas tank.
  • Why the crap am I mowing grass in March?
  • Now that that Hunger Games movie is out, I totally expect to see a rash of bow and arrow related teen crime. Wow, the 2nd bow and arrow mention. I suppose you all know what to get me for my birthday now. Actually, I don’t want that, and also, I’m not really sure what the Hunger Games are. I’ll just be happy if it gets rid of all the vampires in the movies.
  • I wanted to debut my new cartoon this week, but it’s not quite ready. This basically means I haven’t learned to draw it good enough just yet. I don’t want to spoil it, but it will likely not be worth any sort of build up anyway.
  • I know I’m an adult and everything, but if someone says “Pizza Party,” I’m all like “Fuck Yeah!”

Buona Sera, Signorina, kiss me goodnight.

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