Smile Politely

McCain’s Next Move

Whenever John McCain is feeling ignored or down in the dumps (or polls), he gives himself a little pick-me-up with a stunt of some kind. He nominated Sarah Palin when Barack Obama was getting all the convention love, he canceled the first day of his convention when it looked like George Bush might speak during a hurricane, and he kind-of-but-not-really suspended his campaign just in time to gum up the works of the financial bailout.

To his credit, McCain has realized that he can’t win based on his policy proposals, judgment, or character, which turns out to be both erratic and get-off-my-lawnish. However, he hasn’t done a stunt in nearly two weeks, and instead seems to have turned to the time honored campaign tradition of throwing a bunch of muck at everyone and hoping some of it will stick to his opponent.

Americans always say they hate negativity in elections, but then they vote for whoever does the most of it, so this strategy will no doubt bear some fruit for him. However, I’m disappointed that McCain has not been disciplined enough with his stunts. Just because they’ve mostly backfired like a mad scientist’s newest contraption doesn’t mean that one won’t eventually work. I believe if he sticks with pure stunts from here until election day, one of them is bound to not blow up. More importantly, it will make the election far more entertaining, which is all we Americans ask of our elections.

Just in case Senator McCain has run out of stunt ideas, and also just in case he religiously reads Smile Politely, I’ve compiled a partial list for him to consider:

  • As a way solve the global warming crisis, suspend his campaign for 63 hours in order to encase himself in a huge block of ice in Times Square. If it can work for David Blaine, it can work for John McCain.
  • During the entire next debate, prove how badly he wants voters back in his life by holding a boombox over his head and playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”, while wearing a puppy dog expression on his face. At the very end, promise to reconcile everyone with fathers who are in jail for tax evasion.
  • Without advance word, completely disappear from the world for a few days, and create a storm of speculation and intrigue. Emerge three days later, scratched and bloody, with the dead carcass of Osama Bin Laden across his back. [Note: This will take some embalming work, since Bin Laden has been in deep freeze in US government storage since 2005. He will need to call in some favors from his mortuary friends.]
  • During next debate, slap Obama with a leather riding glove and demand satisfaction for the restoration of McCain’s honor. Offer choice of fencing epee, dueling pistol, or full javelin and riding horse. If Obama claims this is illegal, simply question his manhood, and choose riding horse, since Obama is known to be a poor equestrian.
  • Suspend his campaign for a week in order to be suspended in a plexiglass cage over the Potomac River in Washington. It’s not clear what this would represent, but eventually a David Blaine stunt has to work for someone.
  • Claim to have received word from racist space aliens that they will destroy the world if the most powerful man in the world has dark skin. McCain will express extreme outrage and indignity at this, because he is so totally not racist. Then express resignation that there’s really nothing we can do about all-powerful, but racist, space aliens. They are just not ready for a leader with dark skin yet.
  • Launch campaign where he promises voters to never again leave dirty clothes lying around the house and to clean up the kitchen every once in awhile. Also promise to go to the gym more and not be so creepy around voter’s friends. Poker night with the boys is still non-negotiable though.
  • Announce that the election is now a raffle, and that anyone who votes for him can win up to six of his twelve houses. Have Sarah Palin make the announcement, and have her wink a lot, implying that she or Todd just might come with the deal, depending on which way you swing. If Obama complains that this is illegal, slap him with a leather riding glove and see above.

I think many of these ideas will help McCain to keep the election entertaining. Feel free to post your own, so he can benefit from the wisdom of many.

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