Smile Politely

Love for sale

I want Mitt Romney to become president; and I want him to privatize love. I don’t mean the way pimps and Hallmark stores privatize “love.” I am talking about, once and for all, allowing free enterprise to quantify the monetary value of my heart.

Clearly, the current supply of love in the world does not meet demand. (That’s even taking into consideration the potentially market-manipulating love hoarders like Benny Hinn, and Usher.) Therefore, I see an embarrassingly untapped opportunity for profit. And I believe it was the great Milton Freidman who said that neglecting an opportunity for profit was the same as mooning God. Or was that Milton Berle? I forget; maybe Milton Bradley.

Regardless, once we completely map and reverse-engineer the human brain — an epoch which could happen during a Romney two-term presidency — we will be able to thoroughly identify, analyze and track the specific electricity in the mind that is love. Thus, the curtain will be pulled back on this pesky, yet-to-be-monetized force that makes the world go ‘round.

Think of the power the U.S. will have by placing this new product on the market. World economic competition will be turned on its head.

Sorry, India and China. You mostly worship a false God, so your love isn’t genuine and your product is therefore obsolete. Plus, love is the one thing everyone wants even more than shoes and cell phones. So, I believe your emerging superpower dreams will have to be put on ice for a while.

Also, America, Europe, Brazil and other Christian nations will finally be able to stand up to OPEC when we form OLEC.

Sure, it will be strange at first to go to war with some other nation when one, inevitably, has vast reserves of love that it refuses to let the U.S. get in on. (Hinn and Usher will be easily waterboarded, and their love plundered.) However, as a collective American society, we’ll surely approach such weirdness with the same apathy and cynicism we offer to our wars today.

That brings me to the current commander in chief. He’s too busy sipping microbrews and signing defense bills that allow for any citizen to be thrown into prison for the rest of their lives without getting a trail to even think about manning-up and becoming the CEO in chief America needs.

Mitt, who celebrates that U.S. law recognizes corporations as people (unless that corporation is gay), knows that innovations within capitalism are what make a nation strong, make a people great and make a penis hard. I’m confident that he will do away with any foul regulations that stand in the way of the private sector nimbly adapting to create the love market. If we keep a Democrat in the Oval Office, there will no doubt be some social welfare safety net system that gives love stamps to lazy poor people with their hands held out, lowering love’s overall market value.

This world is only going to get faster and stranger. We need someone with the business experience and the smarts to stay lucid, and avoid getting emotional when it comes to the market-matters of the heart. Particularly, we need someone who knows that what matters is how much your heart is worth.

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