Smile Politely

Hello, My Name Is … Don Gerard was born completely devoid of musical talent and will die with even less. Despite the inhumanity of it all, he actually served three tours of duty playing bass with The Moon Seven Times (three albums on Roadrunner), as well as a tenure with the brilliant Steve Pride and His Blood Kin (the group from which Jeff Tweedy “stole” — his term — Jay Bennett), the amazing Great Crusades (albeit brief) and the stupefyingly astounding Greedy Loves … and also the super-group mine (yes, small m, i-n-e period.), with Bennett, Adam Schmitt and Mike “the Bigg Rigg” Hazelrigg). If there were a god, mine would reform to perform a third gig at this reunion.

He currently resides in Champaign and is employed in a career for which he is even more mind-bogglingly unqualified than he was to play bass in the aforementioned rock combos. By most accounts he is not as big of a dick as he was 20 years ago and has, on occasion, behaved as a reasonably decent human being with minor contributions to society. About me: Sad, but true … women just love me for my keen eye for what type of footwear “works,” my penchant for crying during particularly touching public servant announcements for the Church of Latter Day Saints and my soft, soft skin. I am a dad, a former-would-be-famous-indie-rock-star, writer, bassist in a rock band, civil servant, friend and lover. UPDATE — More straight guy now … unfortunately. I might get some new shoes, though. FURTHER UPDATE — Shoes did not help. ADDITIONAL UPDATE (AUG. 07) — I am now wearing ties to work. No discernible data as to the affect on perceived (as per observers) sexual preference. UPDATE (MAR. 08) — promotion … no longer a civil servant (the Man) … General Interests: music; sports; Cubs baseball; movies; taking long, romantic walks during which I pick up poop; being a “people person” (especially if the “people” are dogs). About me: I am dangerously good looking with a razor-sharp wit and a drop-dead sexy body. I am super-smart, sensitive, caring and most of all possess an immense amount of humility. Hobbies and interests: Popular Culture (sic); homeopathic psychotherapy; socks, underwear … About me: Hired Goon for the Intellectual Mafia … posing as Don Gerard I do nothing but lurk in the ether making enemies and besmirching his good name. Really, I am not actually Don Gerard. However, Don Gerard is a really, really great guy who is probably at home right now doing something which has nothing at all to do with kicking puppies or stealing old people’s prescription medicine. No, really. I’m not kidding. About me: Not nearly as much of a jerk as you may have been lead to believe; however, I have oft been accused — and oft rightly so — of having an “a-hole-ier-than-thou” attitude. Activities: Youth baseball; co-rec softball; Polar Plunge (Special Olympics); musician (sic); freelance writer; semi-professional snack eater. About me: You don’t know who I am? Huh. Favorite Books: Confederacy of Dunces, Master and Margarita, The Happy Hocky Family, Bad Day at River Bend, Ventriloquism for Dummies.

Related Articles