Smile Politely

Double trouble in Coulter’s dog prison

We’ve started a little tradition around the Coulter house where every Sunday is fish taco night. It’s to the point where I actually get a little excited for it. The problem now is that it has become some sort of dare. Spicy food is great and most of the things we eat would have some people running for a cold glass of water (which doesn’t help) or at the very least uselessly waving their hand in front of their mouth. That’s on a regular night of food. Taco night has become ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s a good idea to have a couple of habaneros always lying around the house because I’m just stupid enough to use the damned things. It’s enjoyable to eat the tacos at the time, but it’s not all that great when I can feel the food making its way through my digestive tract simply from the burning. Anyway, the tacos are getting too spicy. Probably not the best way to begin a column. Let’s get it on.


Speaking of the Coulter household, it appears we may get a new member. Don’t freak out, I have not decided to spawn or anything. Instead, we’ve been seriously thinking about getting a new dog companion for my main man, Louis. It is still unclear whether he would be on board for such a move, but since he’s a dog and seems excited about most things I think he’ll be cool with it. From our perspective, it’s a terrible idea which has inexplicably gained some steam and which we now have no control over.

It goes both ways. It’d be nice for our current dog to have something else to attack out of nowhere besides me. On the other hand, they could form some sort of league against me and then I got double trouble. Also, can we be trusted to stop with just two dogs? I’d really rather not be featured on an episode of Hoarders two years from now. Still, a lot of dogs out there need help and we should do our small part. Sure, it’s twice the fun, but it’s also twice the food. Like Run-DMC said, it’s tricky.

The biggest problem is that we’ve already begun searching adoption sites looking at dogs. Once you’ve taken that step it’s pretty hard to back it down. They all look so freaking cute. We were sort of aiming for a dog that’s about a year old, but then you see a puppy that seems fun, too. Of course, in reality a puppy is a huge pain in the ass but it doesn’t seem like it at this point of the search.

I’m sure it’s just a matter of time until we make the move and honestly, I’m pretty excited. For some reason, I love slobber and scratches and having my shoulder dislocated by a yanked leash. It’s already fun to come home after work and another dog can really only make it better.


Well, the baseball season has just started and already Ozzie Guillen is in trouble at his new job down in Florida. Hey, I’m as surprised as anyone, which is not at all. He said he admired Fidel Castro while working in the middle of a big assed Cuban community. It’s like walking into a lion’s den and singing the praises of Siegfried and Roy. Whatever, I sort of want to like Ozzie but I just can’t pull the trigger on it.

I really dislike Red Sox skipper Bobby Valentine and he also appears to be going down faster than a rookie porn star. He questioned the physical and mental effort Kevin Youklis has been giving so far this year. It’s absurd. Hey, Youklis isn’t the most entertaining guy to watch or anything, but I really feel he works his ass off. Valentine is a punk, plain and simple, and when he gets his ass handed to him, hopefully by Kevin Youklis, it will give me great joy.


Okay, so it’s Friday evening and you’re looking for something to do. Of course, you’re going to get a head start on that weekend cleaning or maybe finally catch up on all that knitting you’ve been putting off or even … c’mon, you know you’re gonna get drunk and rip the tits off of it, so you might as well watch something while you do it.

I’d recommend heading to the Highdive for JC Brooks and the Uptown Sound. Yeah, I’d never heard of them either but I checked out a video and they cover a Wilco song so it’s pretty sweet. I actually sort of like their version better. It’s here if you want to have a look.

It should be pretty fun and it starts early with the opening band, The Thin Souls at 8:00 and JC at 9:00. Hell you could go and still be in bed before 11:00. Personally I’d see the show and then stay out boozing, but that’s just me.


  • Hey, that’s freaking gum, not a freaking mint. That sort of surprise is not super refreshing at all.
  • I hear people say “asshole” all the time and it never fazes me. If someone sort of spells it out though by saying “A-Hole” it always seems a whole lot funnier.
  • I have a friend who likes LeBron Jeremy as a porn name. Who wouldn’t?

Buona Sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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