Smile Politely

Coulter for the Gold… er, Bronze, more likely

I’ve been trying to get a nap in for about seven days, but the thing is, I’m playing that Batman-Arkham City video game and I’d really rather still do that than sleep. I know everyone else played it a year ago, but I’ve been a little behind. Needless to say, it’s a whole lot of fun. It has every Batman villain I can remember and a few I don’t. You just fly around the city and kick the asses of various henchmen until you eventually find Joker or Penguin, at which point you kick their ass, as well. You don’t have to necessarily begin to believe you’re Batman, but on the other hand, it doesn’t hurt.

Besides, even if I did try to take a nap, all I’d dream about is solving the Riddler’s puzzles or making out with Poison Ivy. Arkham City needs me and sleep is a comfort they can’t afford right now. Once I finish the game, I plan to wear a cape and fight crime locally until another game comes out where I can do it virtually. In the meantime, I should probably write a column. Let’s get it on.


I really hate it when I seem like the crabbiest bastard in the world. Actually, I apparently don’t hate it enough to be a different way, but still…Anyway, I couldn’t be happier that the Olympics has started because it totally gives me another thing to make sure I don’t watch. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just not especially interesting to me. I mean, I can be as jingoistic as anyone and I really liked it when the US used to really win wars and that sort of thing, but I have a hard time waving my flag and high fiving during the Olympics.

I watched a little bit with some friends at a bar the other night and it was fine but, let’s be honest, I can pretty much watch anything while I have a beer in my hand so that’s not really an enthusiastic thumb up to the games themselves. It did give us a vehicle to make smart assed remarks about, so that was nice, but I don’t think I was ever into it, per se.

The sport at that particular time was women’s weightlifting and they were doing the clean and jerk. As you can probably imagine, this was a veritable gold mine for cracking wise. Things like, “She’s jerked it, but I don’t believe she’s going to be able to clean it.” This is not a derogatory comment towards the female athletes, since we would have made virtually the same jokes if it had been men doing it. Actually, the men’s jokes would have been much worse.

Some of the stuff I’ve flipped by just seems sort of ridiculous. I had no idea that synchronized diving was a sport and I’m still not sure I believe it one hundred percent. It’s pretty much what you’d think; two people jump off diving boards doing the same thing at the same time on the way down until they hit the water. It seems sort of random. I’ll be the first guy to say this is a great sport to participate in at your buddy’s pool after everyone’s had five or six mai tai’s, but I’m not sure I can get behind it as an Olympic sport. Weird is not necessarily interesting.

Here’s my idea, add a little more excitement to each event. Swimming is exciting, but not really that exciting, so what if the water were somehow set on fire first? Michael Phelps is fast, but is he fast and flame retardant? Diving is okay, but I believe it would be just a tad bit better if they drained a little water out of the pool each time a competitor made a great dive. Can athletes play water polo using a jellyfish instead of a ball? I don’t know, let’s have some fun and find out.

Archery can get a little bland. I can fix that very quickly. Make a bunch of shirts with bulls-eyes on them and then put half on one side and half on the other. It’s suddenly very exciting and nobody is changing the channel until that shit is over.

It just occurred to me that this is maybe sort of what those Hunger Games are. You know, the ones the kids are all into these days. Personally, I have no idea what the piss they are but I think it may be something along those lines. Well, you know what, so be it. Give the people what they want and who doesn’t want an archery contest to the death. Something like this would also open up the field four years from now too, since, well, most of the previous competitors would be dead.

It’s just a thought and I’m sure there could be some complications with my plan, but it just seems like it’s time for a little update that would make a big difference. I don’t know, I still might not even watch. After all, there’s a perfectly good baseball season going on right now.


I was on the AV club page the other day and they had a song from some thing or the other they’re doing, the “summer song” series, I think. Either way, it was one of those wonderful things where I listened to it four or five times in a row because it just sounded so cool.  It’s Lisa Hannigan, John Smith, and Glen Hansard covering “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down. It’s pretty sweet.,83129/


  • This has been a good, probably great, season of Louie on FX so far this year. It’s been really funny, insightful, and more often than not, uncomfortable. It’s so good it sort of feels like it shouldn’t even be on television.
  • I want to make a children’s cartoon about a large aquatic mammal that leaves the water to help the human race. His first name is Hugh and his last name is Manatee. Get it, Hugh Manatee? Humanity? It’s okay; nobody else thinks it’s a good idea either.

Buona Sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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