Smile Politely

Coulter and the Honey Boo Boo

You know what I hate? It’s when I get something that is exactly what I deserve. I was running a little late the other morning; so instead of just being 10 minutes late and making a little, creepy breakfast of my own, I instead decided to let someone else make my little, creepy breakfast for me. I generally try to limit this sort of thing to three or four times a year. I don’t want to out the particular restaurant, but let’s just say I McFucking regretted my morning decision the rest of the day.

I actually got the correct sandwich, which was sort of a minor miracle in itself. I knew this right off because I looked at it before I drove away from the window. I thought this would prevent me from pulling away, realizing it was wrong, and then be forced to go into the place and explain to them that the concept of a drive-thru really only works if the person doesn’t have to get out of his McGoddamned car.

Either way, after the first bite of the sandwich it became clear I would have rather gotten a rice cake with a generous helping of poop spread on the top of it than what I ended up with. I decided I would really need to wash it down with the Coke I had ordered. The problem was that it was diet Coke instead of regular Coke, so that was pretty much the end of the meal for me. I knew it was going to suck and it did, but since I chose that meal, I can only assume I also suck, which I probably do. Let’s get it on.


I’m not sure what The Learning Channel’s mission statement is, but I can only assume it’s something like “The Learning Channel is a dubious television channel that intends to play pretty fast and loose with the word ‘learning.’” The channel that has previously learned me with shows like Hoarders: Buried Alive and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding is attempting to learn me even more with a wonderful new show that is spun off of the already wonderful Toddlers and Tiaras. The show is called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. It’s just as freaky as you’re probably imagining it, but have a look if you’d like.

I think if you can view it for over 45 seconds you get a free slab of government cheese. Trust me, even free cheese will not make the experience worthwhile … and yet, it’s sort of hypnotizing, you know, that I want to watch it again and hate myself all over again for doing it. Hypnotizing.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo follows the tragically unexamined life of a bunch of dipshit hillbillies as they try to survive, coupon, and win toddler beauty pageants. I know this description may sound harsh, but since I’m only slightly removed from being a dipshit hillbilly I completely stand by my description.

Of course, the main focus of the program is on a little freakshow of a girl named Honey Boo Boo. I don’t think that’s necessarily her given name, but then again, it totally could be. She’s sort of obnoxious, you know, the kind of obnoxious that probably even keeps pedophiles from watching the show. She snaps her fingers, dresses like a hooker, acts cocky, and says things that most people can’t understand. I guess it’s like a lot of the drunk girls I see out on the weekend. You know who you are.

Either way, her family does a lot of strange things. Normally I would assume this is simply because a camera is there, but this time I sort of get the impression that they do strange things whether there’s an audience or not. In the episode I saw, they went to an auction that apparently sold expired food products, received etiquette lessons, and, of course, got a sonogram for their pregnant teenage daughter.

Wow, that sounds like fun! Now everyone is going to want to be poor and uneducated.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom is an extreme coupon kind of person. Her mom is a very large woman who has a very large family, so she evidently likes things that are extreme. Oh wait, except intelligence, um, she’s not extreme about that so much. Oh, maybe it’s extreme unintelligence. That could be what it is. Geez Louise, it’s questions like those that will keep me tuning into this train wreck for decades to come or at least until Honey Boo Boo gets her “My Own l’il Meth Lab” for Christmas when she’s 13.

Having said all of that and been as mean as I can, I must admit, there’s something about them that is sort of sweet. Okay, sweet is a pretty strong word. Let’s just say I don’t hate them as much as I hate most reality show families. It’s easy to hate rich and plastic-y good-looking people who are full of themselves and assume the world would be interested in them. It’s far tougher to hate a family of mountain people who probably think that camera contraption is a magic box that sends their images straight to the angels.

I’ll probably watch at least part of an episode again and you know what? I’ll probably end up feeling sort of terrible for doing it. I’ll make fun of them and I’ll feel terrible for acting like a bastard about this inbred pack of dickholes. I shouldn’t feel bad though because that’s apparently what’s supposed to happen. I grew up in the country and there was a lot of redneckery and hillbilliness going on. The big difference is that many of us weren’t all that proud of it so we kept it to ourselves and tried to move past it, at least a little bit.

I get the feeling this family doesn’t have that humility. Sadly, I can’t wait to tune in again, just so I can find out.


  • On to happier things, I’ve decided to call a moratorium on the “Summer of Rum.” It was great for a while, but I sort of miss my whiskey and I am completely freaking tired of drinking rum all the damned time.
  • Lastly, my family would like to thank everyone for their kind words and thoughts and food and donations and everything else after the loss of my dad. It’s a tough time, but once again, living in a caring community with amazing friends makes all of life easier. Thanks again.

Buona Sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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