Smile Politely

April’s antics

While I’m used to wearing many metaphorical hats each day, April forces me to change them out at the rate of a professional hat switcher-outer. (A fascinating image, but one I don’t really have the time to contemplate.) From parent, to teacher, to co-worker, to student, to wife, to social companion, to committee member, to cook, to chauffeur, to host, to travel guide, to partygoer, to one who simply does not lose her shit, April continues to test my wicked ninja skills. 

The unpredictable weather only adds to the crazy. Every morning I’m forced to ask myself difficult questions like: Do the kids need jackets? Can I wear open toed shoes? And, where’s the damn umbrella? (I used mine to smash a bee that was buzzing my kid’s tower in the van a few days ago. Pretty stealth, if I do say so mystelf). Bottom line is, will I survive another day? Yes, I will. But likely not without a lot of lists, delicious booze, and the village it takes to raise these kids.

My husband decided the four-year-old no longer needs the safety rail on the side of his bed. Turns out, he does. We gave him a cushiony net — several pillows belonging to our next-door neighbor that we have neglected to return after hosting a ridiculous amount of overnight visitors — and for about a week the kid stayed in bed. Literally the first night without the pillows he face planted onto the floor. And who got up to console him and get him back to sleep? Not the guy who took away the rail. I’m not hatin’ … I’m just sayin’.

The six-year-old has gotten into spicing up his schooltime meals. His latest favorite is turkey, cream cheese, and orange pepper in a tortilla. I get strange satisfaction rolling that thing up every morning, and almost caught myself licking the seam one day. To keep its form, I wrap the whole thing in Press and Seal and call it his lunch blunt. The only problem is that stuff really sticks — he has to ask for help to get into his wrap each day. The shit works so well, we’re thinking of “pressing and sealing” Thing 2 into his bed each night.

The Mii channel has been getting a workout on our Wii. There’s usually at least one new profile created every day. Allow me to introduce you to a few of my favorites:  Tablecloth, Cheerio Joe, Randy Brow, Uncle Boot, La’Doris, Chieftain, Big Jerry, Gin, Guga Jones, Mrs. Man Guy, Ramone, Nerd, Whiner, Eyeball, Fran, and Danville. We celebrate their diversity.

I finished writing my last term paper on Sunday afternoon, after attending a few brilliant shows and an after bar the night before… I’m pretty sensible. Turns out I did a rather decent job. My professor was excited about my project. As this paper will serve as the beginning of the thesis I’ll be attempting to write over the summer, I sent it along to another committee member, who replied with the incredibly academic response, “Dayum.” I’m hoping he’ll write the review on the back of my first book.

While I was at the coffee shop with the shakes, the sweats, and the inability to function in nearly any capacity, let alone an academic one, my husband went to Five Guys for a big. greasy cheeseburger. His consensus: Having Five Guys in your mouth is good.

Speaking of slang and cheeseburgers, here’s my first attempt at adding a visual aid. Enjoy.

Time to sober up with a Busch Light and head to bed.

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