Smile Politely

Stalker Notebooks: Axl Rose

Axl Rose is the front man and sole remaining original member of Guns N’ Roses. GNR’s last new album of original material came out in 1991.

Bob Higgins is a thirty-seven-year-old former bank teller from Los Angeles. He has been stalking Mr. Rose full-time since 2003, and before that part-time since 1998.

March 14, 2008

9:13 AM: Am late again. Shoot! Can only assume that dogs have already been out for morning run, as handler’s car is nowhere to be seen and several dead fowl are visible near edges of courtyard. Should not have started watching Empty Nest marathon last night. Will await cleanup crew’s van and maybe have a donut.

10:01 AM: A.R. appears briefly at 3rd floor window, east wing. Shirtless, sprinkles what look like depilated red chest hairs down over tiger lilies. Retreats from window. Moments later reappears, drops first(?) feces of the day, again into tiger lilies. Sniffs air. Retreats from window again.

11:30 AM: BMW drives up to gate. Suit-type — possibly from record company — gets out, prostrates self before security camera. Gate opens, then closes several times as though taunting, then opens. Suit-type drives across moat and enters home. Car driven to parking garage by bunnymen.

11:40 AM: Buckethead arrives for afternoon duties.

11:50 AM: Buckethead looks in my direction. Sees me? Must temporarily retreat to outer perimeter/reptile house.

12:55 PM: Iguanas staring at me. Know my secrets?

2:17 PM: Record company man appears briefly at 2nd floor window, front. Looks frantic. Appears to be pulled back in.

2:22 PM: A.R. appears at 2nd floor window, front. Tosses second(?) feces of the day. Possibly from R.C. man.

3:06 PM: Dolphin truck arrives. Buckethead meets it, angry that it is six minutes late. Dolphin peers out from tank. Sees me? Buckethead inspects dolphin, summons bunnymen. Bunnymen escort dolphin truck to rear of estate.

4:16 PM: R.C. man emerges, weeping.

5:05 PM: Handler arrives for dogs’ evening run. Must retreat again to reptile house. Fowl released. Sounds of unimaginable horror. Also some humming, probably by handler.

7:20 PM: A.R. appears at 3rd floor window, front, yells, “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby!” but convinces not even himself.

8:59 PM: Time to call it a day. Goodnight, Axl.

Kill? After a day like this?

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