Smile Politely

Run and hide, GWAR is coming

It would be much more comforting to start this off much in the fashion of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by writing “DON’T PANIC” in large, friendly letters. Unfortunately the reality of the situation is such that you probably should panic. Why, you ask? Because the legendary metal band and battle squad GWAR will be here to sonically obliterate Champaign-Urbana in less than a week. Take heed, you have been warned.

Unfortunately, some of you will be brazen enough to keep reading rather than packing your valuables and fleeing like terrified children to a remote portion of the Algerian highlands (as well you should). Though there are some who claim that GWAR is just an outfit of humans formed in the late 80’s who play awesome music dress in elaborate costumes, I prefer to err on the side of caution (I mean, you can’t fake muscles like that) and thus will recount a condensed history of the chaotic corps of alien overlords in an attempt to save your lives.

Ages ago, the cosmic Master conscripted a group of fierce and terrible soldiers to ravage the Milky Way. Their ferocity and brutal nature knew no equal and the galaxy trembled before their tumultuous might. Then known as the Scumdogs of the Universe, they traversed from planet to planet, system to system, subjugating and enslaving those smart enough to bow before them, and annihilating those foolish enough to oppose them. For thousands of years they left blazing ruin in their wake as they became more and more powerful.

Their arrogance grew too quickly and eventually their Master exiled them to a pathetic mudball known as Earth. There they continued their calamitous havoc on a smaller scale. They inseminated the native creatures and formed the human race (a prospect which seems dubious until you consider our own destructive impulses and propensity for moral bankruptcy). After several thousand years the Master looked in upon them and was furious that they laid waste to the planet, covering it with the blood of the living and their own galactic man-chowder. He entombed them in ice and left them to rot.

As the human race, the deplorable children of GWAR, continued to spread like a cancer across the globe the environment slowly began to decay, and the icy mausoleum holding the Scumdogs at bay deteriorated. Upon awakening they saw what the fruits of their loins had become. They laughed at the insignificantly imperious monkeys they had spawned and yet saw one of its greatest achievements, metal music. From there they decided to found their own metal ensemble both to aurally dominate the human race and show their meager progeny how pitiful they actually are.
Since that time in the late 20th century (by human standards at least), the chaotic crew has gone from country to country, state to state, and venue to venue blasting the eardrums of those foolish enough to voluntarily witness their animosity. The spectacle that GWAR puts on is a ritual reminder of humanity’s wretched existence and its place as the children of the Scumdogs of the Universe. Venue and attendees alike are doused in the green and orange slime from which they were conceived while the band chronicles their galactic exploits and generally wreaks havoc both physically and audibly.

The live GWAR performance should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with their history – brutally violent and filled with hilarious debauchery. They take the stage decked out in traditional armor made from the bones of their enemies (which largely consists of spikes, protrusions, and a general lack of coverage in sensitive areas armor is generally made for). The group is, as you might imagine, a fan of ritual slaughter and regularly sacrifices celebrities and audience members alike in the messiest and most macabre fashions possible. They’ve been known to parade around with giant phallic objects and hurl them into the crowd while soaking the audience in a colorful slew of spitup, blood, jizz, and various other forms of galactic goo.

Their onstage hijinks have transferred over into both TV and webseries appearances as they’ve continued to grow in popularity. It doesn’t get much more entertaining then seeing GWAR confuse the hell out of Joan Rivers, though she must have had a “you can’t kill me clause” in her contract to have escaped alive.

In the millions of years since the Scumdog’s original formation there has been only one lasting blow to the treacherous band of misfits: the passing of their leader Oderus Urungus in the Spring of 2014 (may his girthy cuttlefish rest in epic warfare). Since their leader’s death GWAR have sought to draft a new lead singer to lead their dreadful cadre’s crusade across the planet. After a short tour with vocalist Vulvatron, the mighty warrior Blothar won the supremacy of the group and currently serves as their frontman. Today, the Scumdogs of the Universe continue on to show the human race where it’s place is, squarely beneath the teabags of their galactic overlords.

If you’ve somehow made it this far and haven’t found yourself searching Expedia for tickets to a cabin in the Vasyugan swamp in Southern Russia, I’m not sure you’re quite sane. But if you’re still brazen, idiotic, or intrigued enough you can find ground zero of GWAR’s arrival on Monday night at the Canopy Club in Urbana. Be sure to bring a poncho, earplugs, and possibly a riot shield as it’s sure to be wet, sticky, loud, and raucously insane. You have been warned.
GWAR will invade the Canopy Club this coming Monday, November 2nd, and tickets are available here
Photos courtsey of the GWAR website. 

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