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Portillo’s to open national headquarters on Interstate Dr.

With the knowledge that building a high school in the northernmost part of town next to a mall is about the most ridiculous idea ever, the owner of beloved franchise suburban Chicago Portillo’s is looking to place their national headquarters in that same location here in Champaign. 

In anticipation of the current referendum being defeated, the Unit 4 school board has allegedly decided to sell the land, albeit at market value, as opposed to the hose job that the district bought it for last year.  

The purchase price of $41,000.00 per acre is estimated to be almost one third higher than it’s value, but to make things fair, Dick Portillo has offered $27,000.00 per acre plus a lb. of Italian beef for each board member every week for the next ten years. 

It was a deal too good to pass up.

“We realize we fucked up,” said one board member that wished not to be identified. “But we’re trying to make that right, and listen to the community for once. I keep hearing ‘Portillos, Portillos, Portillos’ every time I turn around. Plus, I have ever intention of sharing my beef with the community. I think it’s a win-win.”

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