Smile Politely

Jon Taffer to rescue Esquire

Bar Rescue expert Jon Taffer is headed to local watering hole Esquire Lounge this afternoon to film a new episode set to air on May 3rd.

Taffer was called in by an anonymous employee who suggested that Esquire wasn’t as hip as some other downtown establishments. “It was like a bat signal to that guy,” the employee told us. “We said, ‘Our bar needs help. It’s not cool enough.’ and his people came in and installed hidden cameras the next day.”

Esquire has been around for 40 years, but it hasn’t quite captured the younger audience. The employee expects that Taffer and his team will be able to reach the young and hip people that are eating and drinking at nearby establishments— “except for the hippies from outside Blind Pig.”

Sources have suggested that 2012 Bartender of the Year and Taffer disciple Russell Davis will be landing at Willard Airport this afternoon to aid Taffer in training the Esquire staff. Davis specializes in gimmicks like lighting shit on fire and cutting ice into hearts to give to girls he likes. He also rides a motorcycle.

No word yet on who Taffer’s kitchen expert will be, but there were rumblings that Chef Brian Duffy will be in town trying to sell his device that stuffs cheese into hamburger meat. He’s worked with Taffer in the past and would be a good guy to help Taffer update Esquire’s solid, yet dated menu.

“I mean, BLTs and fried dumplings are fine, I guess,” the employee said. “But can’t we make it look cooler? Instead of these greasy baskets and weird bag sauces, can’t we use plates and make our own sauce? I don’t know. Maybe Chef Duffy will come and he can give us one of those meat stuffers, that will really set us apart.”

The New York native Taffer is expected to dine at bacaro this evening, but his reps would not confirm whether or not he’d be able to eat at an establishment that he hasn’t had under surveillance for “a few days.”

If all goes according to plan and Esquire decides to embrace solutions and not excuses, the rescue should be complete by Monday morning.

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