Smile Politely

Goodnight, sweet coach

Less than six hours after we posted our season preview last Friday, evil dictator athletic director Mike Thomas fired our hero, Coachin’ Timmy Beckman, for something about injuries to players or something — we were only vaguely paying attention. The point is, Thomas clearly did not take the time to read our delightful preview, because noted alumnus and Pygmalion Tech speaker Will Leitch expressed some real (guarded) optimism about what ol’ Becks could do this year. Since that’s no longer an option, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and remember some of the ball coach’s best moments.


When we first met Tim Beckman, he told us all about growing up as a coach’s son, about how being named head coach at Illinois was as important to him as the birth of his own children, and, of course, about lasagna. The video below might be edited, but it really captures the essence of what coach was trying to tell us: It’s all about lasagna.

Dippin’ Timmy Beckman

We all have our vices, no? Tim Beckman, he’s a Skoal man. Nothing wrong with this, he surely understands the health consequences of his choice and is fine with it. The supreme leaders at the NCAA were not fine with it when Becks dared to take a little dip in front of an ESPN camera, however. It got him a formal admonition from the power-hungry bozos at NCAA headquarters. Guess they never heard of live and let live.


I don’t know about you, but if I was playing for a team and a coach was convicted of some completely and utterly horrific things I think I’d like to transfer from that school. But when Tim Beckman sent some assistant coaches to talk to Penn State players after the Jerry Sandusky scandal, people called him crass and insensitive. The NCAA said those dudes could transfer without even having to sit out a year, they made Ahmad Starks sit out a year even though he transferred to be closer to his dying grandmother: there’s a whole lotta hypocrisy here.

Who put these refs here?

How’s a guy supposed to coach if you keep putting these damn refs on the sideline? Honestly!


Because making acrostics is really hard to make and not
Everyone gets the way coach describes them doesn’t mean he
Couldn’t make a good one, you
Know? For example, WIN: “Whatever is necessary today,” that’s gold.
My man Becks just got a bad wrap because people didn’t get it. Then there’s OSKEE,
Anyone could go straightforward, but “Our Success = Knowledge Effort Energy” is
Not hard to understand, no matter how many words you put in between.

Happy Birthday, Mama Beckman

Guys, mom gets a shout out: it’s just a rule of life. So when you get time on camera to say whatever you want, you tell your mom happy birthday and worry about the details, like her actual birthday, later.

Math is for nerds

It’s pretty easy, really. I don’t need an advanced degree from the department of engineering to understand what Becks means when he says “You take out 21 points on three plays and we’re in this football game.” It’s only when you get hung up on facts, like how football works, that his statement makes no sense.

Speaking for the love of it

Being renowned for public speaking ability, it should come as no surprise that Tim Beckman would speak to large groups for the love of it, dammit. Becks only took $200 for speaking at events because to take less would be insulting to the university, but he’s no glory boy like women’s basketball coach Matt Bollant ($800 for speaking), he’s just out there talking because that’s what god put him on earth to do.

So long, coach. We’ll miss you like your players miss the convalesence time they never got.

Top image from YouTube.

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