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F this team: Ohio State

A quick measurement of whether a university sucks or not is whether its name has an emphasized “The.” This metric was developed solely for THE Ohio State University because THE Ohio State University sucks. It sucks hard.

THE Ohio State University was actually the ninth university in founded in the state of Ohio. Which means the emphasized “The” in its name is even more pathetic. It’s like a short guy driving a Hummer: we all know why you’re doing this, dude.

Situated on the north side of Columbus, THE Ohio State University has the third-largest campus in America, taking up 1,764 acres (still overcompensating). Columbus is roughly the same size as Cleveland and Cincinnati, but is most certainly the most boring city in Ohio. Only the white sports are represented in Columbus (the Crew of the MLS and the Blue Jackets of the NHL), and the city generally lacks the kind of attractions you’d expect from a town its size (787,000). I mean, it says a lot about your city when people would rather visit Cleveland.

THE Ohio State University is the big ticket in Columbus, but, like the city it resides in, the university’s history is about as vanilla as they come. In the two paragraph summary on Wikipedia, the most interesting thing about the university is its name and the fact that way back in 1878 some idiot Ohioans thought it was a good idea to make “The” a part of the school’s official name.

When it came to picking a nickname, THE Ohio State University was equally stupid and boring. I don’t know who thought naming athletic teams after the state tree was a good idea, but OSU’s website maintains it was adopted sometime in the 1950s. Therefore, I assume some veteran of WWII (a goddamn hero, but still an idiot) thought in a shell-shocked state that he had come up with the perfect nickname when he yelled “Go Buckeyes” at the football team.

With such a boring history and a boring town, its no wonder OSU is fairly successful in its athletic endeavors. I mean, what the hell else are they going to do? Cheat and do stupid stuff, apparently.

There’s been a lot of stupid stuff going on at OSU, particularly in the football realm. There’s innocuous things like selling memorabilia for tattoos, then there’s whatever led to Maurice Clarett thinking he could break all the rules and jump to the pros early (and then just breaking all the rules we call laws and ending up in jail), and serious cheating like paying a Serbian recruit to come play for you.

Yet, for all the shit THE Ohio State University has gotten into, it keeps landing on its feet again. The Buckeyes have seven national titles in football (most recently in 2002) and a good shot at a 36th conference title this year; 10 final fours and one national championship in men’s basketball; a national championship in baseball; likewise, OSU claims Jesse Owens, one of the greatest Olympians of all time, as its own.

How does this boring-ass school do it? There’s got to be more cheating going on than anyone knows. Oh well, that just makes it more sweet when THE Ohio State University loses.

Illinois and Ohio State kick off in Columbus at 7 p.m. tomorrow. The game will be televised on ABC.

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