Chapter 1
1: And the people in the land of the Illini knew not Zuppke; they worshipped no more the Galloping Ghost; and had no chief among them for the Empire had so decreed. Then Gunther, the High Priest restored the Temple and erected upon it a Skybox and erected before it a bronze idol in the likeness of the Galloping Ghost. Then Gunther sent to a far country and he bought there a mighty warrior and called him Zook and bade him gather unto the Temple warriors from the far reaches of the land that the people would again be blessed with the fragrance of Roses and having done so Gunther departed and went his way.
2: In that day the ten became twelve and the High Priests of the twelve gathered together to worship a foreign God, ESPN. And though they were twelve they erected a new sanctuary and they decreed it a network and called it Big Ten, after the past that had faded away and Zuppke and Eliot rested with their ancestors. Yet none of Gunther’s doings were pleasing unto the Lord.
3: And Cooper the King of the Buckeyes was brought low and Paterno the King of Nittany hid his face but still the Buckeyes and Lions of Nittany prevailed over Zook and Wolverines prowled the land and the fragrance of Roses passed from the People. So the Lord raised up the prophet Loren from his slumber and though the prophet was full of his years his voice still rang out.
4. Thus saith the Lord: “Lest Zook vanquish the army of the Badgers the vengeance of the Lord shall be upon him. The High Priest Thomas shall strip from Zook his emoluments and contracts and set him to wander in the desert of ESPN where he may babble between quarters. For the Lord of the pigskin is a jealous God and longs for the fragrance of Roses. And Zook cried out and tore his hair before the multitude of scribes.