Smile Politely has obtained an advance copy of a report to be released next week confirming that your neighbor has a lot of fucking orange shit. A team of twelve researchers spent months observing your neighbor’s normal routine and believe they have come as close as possible to an exhaustive catalog of orange items. The list includes, but is not limited to, garden gnomes, lawn darts, lampshades, toilet paper dispensers, ice cube trays, fingernail clippers, cats, Christmas trees, outlet covers, faucets, nose hair trimmers and a “1979 Illini edition” bottle of Stetson cologne.
The report’s lead author, Dr. Francis Tripodi, says his team was fascinated by the results of their research. “Though this behavior is not atypical of the subspecies Townus Localia, we are still left to wonder what in Christ’s name someone is going to do with an orange stop sign?”
Tripodi’s team is already on to their next project, investigating reports that the dude across the street has a fuck ton of chief t-shirts.