It’s been a busy week for Mr. Coulter. I’ve spent much of it waving and smiling to people who apparently aren’t the people I thought they were. I’ll think I recognize someone, smile like a stupid bastard, wave, and then have an embarrassed look on my face. The people usually just go ahead and wave back to me, albeit also with a disappointed and embarrassed look on their face. At least it’s nice that people are so friendly and tolerant of my dumb ass. Let’s get it on.
IT’S PRONOUNCED GAY-RAGE
Once I saw the title spelled out, I should probably clear it up. It’s not about “gay rage,” but instead about my garage, which I often call the gayrage, you know, because gay jokes are still pretty funny, no matter what people tell you. Either way, there has been a lot of drinking in my gayrage lately, and honestly, my buddies getting quite good at it.
The thing is, I can’t ask everyone who reads the column to come to a party in my garage, partly because we never seem to have enough beer and partly because I’m sure many of you would be a pain in the ass. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t concoct your own little sweet set-up. In fact, I’ve decided to help you out with just that. Follow along and please remember that I’m usually sort of drunk when I come up with some of these ideas.
FIRST OFF, HAVE A GARAGE
I know it sounds simple, but you really do need a garage to properly have a garage party. I suppose you could just pitch a tent outside your dwelling and drink in there, but that’s pretty much just camping, not garage drinking, so I’m going to go ahead and make having a garage mandatory. The second thing you need is some beer and/or liquor. Technically, that’s all you need to make it happen, but there are a few things that will make it better/worse.
I happen to have a little refrigerator, which is really handy. I would prefer to have a big refrigerator, but there’s not really room for it. Yes, it’s nice to protect my car from the weather by parking it in the garage, but it’d also be nice to park it in the driveway and have a huge assed supply of ice-cold beer. Either way, having a refrigerator is swell. It’s even nicer to have a big silver tub you can fill with ice, but then you’re always going to get ice and after about a half hour it’s simply not all that great anymore.
Once you have the cooling component, it’s nice to fill the damned thing up with beer. Last week a buddy, let’s call him Walt, was nice enough to pack some Yuengling lager in there. I was so happy that I even opened the refrigerator door a few times and just looked at it. This is the exception though. The refrigerator usually has only a rotten lime, a red plastic cup full of some kind of liquid, and a bottle of O’Douls whose origins are unfamiliar to me.
THERES NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY RAGS
Since it’s a garage, there should probably be power tools lying around, even if you don’t really know how to use them. It’s important to make sure no one is holding a power tool when you begin drinking, however. They shouldn’t begin holding the power tools until they are fully intoxicated and prepared to lose a finger. The same goes for knives, as they should be as sharp as possible. If there’s a drunken whittling contest, it’s better if the blade is like a razor so it quickly goes into the drunken bastard’s flesh. A dull blade will often go in slowly and is far more painful, and also much harder to stitch back up with the dental floss I have, for some reason, in my first aid kit.
Speaking of that, it’s a good idea to have more clean rags than you could ever imagine just lying around. Trust me, for a variety of reasons, there can simply never be quite enough.
You can always add more things that seem like they belong in a garage. For example, it’s nice to have some sort of racy calendar hanging on the wall. You’re walking a fine line here, however. The girls on the calendar should at least be wearing bathing suits or holding power tools and they shouldn’t be super-attractive. I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but allow me to explain. If the chicks are completely naked and really hot, there’s a chance that guys could get all excited and the next thing you know it’s a completely different kind of party going on. If that sort of party does break out, make sure you have a large supply of lobster bibs … and also, once again, plenty of rags.
Most importantly, you just need to remember to have fun. The garage is sort of a wonderful combination of indoors and outdoors. It’s nice to make it fun, but it’s not fun to make it too nice. It’s best to pretend you’re all roughing it, even though it’s the best place in the world.
EXTRAS
- When it comes to group sex, I feel very fortunate to have never had a twosome, let alone a threesome. This is why the orgy seems so ridiculous to me. There’s simply no way I could get along with that many people at the same time.
- I found this mug shot of a criminal from South Wales in the 1920s. He looks very familiar but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
- My new favorite website is http://dog-shaming.com/. It’s pretty much what it says it is, but some of those pictures are really funny. Speaking of that, I think next week’s column will be about dogs again. I bet you all can’t wait.
- My good friend, let’s just call him Eddie, is back in town. What does this mean to you? Well, it means that if you enjoy doing a shit ton of shots, you should probably look up my friend Eddie. I could really use a night off.
Buona Sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.