I am steadfast, and remain, The Campus Wit.
It’s that time of year again. The season that brings joy to the hearts of humanity. From the young in age to the young at heart, no one can deny the power of Girl Scout Cookie season. From what I can gather, however, Girl Scout Cookies have no set season. I’ve seen them pop up during the sticky glow of summer, but I have also spotted them when the air is so cold that your feces refuses to exit the warmth and protection of your digestive tract. That is the great thing about Girl Scout Cookie season. It can be any season, and they always come when you least expect them, but need them the most.
Their reappearance on campus perfectly coincided with my darkest days of depression. A few weeks ago, I was moping along Green Strasse one disgusting morning, looking at all the disgusting people while reflecting on my disgusting life, when I heard a high pitched sound wafting ever so softly through the treacly air.
Avast! What could this be?
I fished for my spectacles and I spotted the origin of the sound: little girls, yelling “Girl Scout Cookies!”
After paying a mere $2.50, I hastily opened the package and removed a single cookie. To my eyes, the cookies seemed to glisten with the radiance of a thousand suns. I placed the cookie in my mouth and instantly happiness, contentment, and even a smidgen of joy surged through my mind and body. In the moment, a theory of Girl Scout cookies that had been long gestating in the folds and furrows of my brain finally coalesced into a coherent totality: they are the driving force behind the continued continuance and socialization of the human race.
Think about it. The only way to assure a continued flow of Girl Scout cookies is to have some sort of connection to small girls. Besides becoming a child molester, the easiest way to achieve this connection is to have children or move to a neighborhood with lots of children. Therefore, I am of the opinion that most people marry and have children in order to get their hands on Girl Scout cookies. That’s why the population of women is greater than men. Parents secretly kill their male children because little boys are useless for cookie acquirement. All they’re good for is popcorn and other useless crap.
Trust me: let boys start selling Girl Scout cookies and the male population will start increasing. Otherwise, women will take over and turn men into cookie-dependent junkie slaves used only for procreation and target practice. Girl Scout cookies are keeping the human race going, but slowly sapping the strength of the male gender.
Additionally, why do you think suburbs were created? I’ll tell you: to more easily facilitate the procurement of delectable Girls Scout cookies. In cities and villages around the world, people thought to themselves, “I need to find a way to assure a constant stream of Girl Scout cookies into my gullet.” Finally, a champion stood up for these people. His name was John M. Suburb. He realized that building communities designed for families would allow for more people to gain access to Girl Scout cookies because, even childless suburban dwellers would certainly have a Girl Scout or two living in close proximity. With this great idea in mind, he built Suburb, NY, the first suburb. The rest is history.
Maybe this all sounds like hogwash to you. Maybe it sounds like the type of ramblings you might hear at your local opium den. Maybe it does, that is true. But when you eat your next Girl Scout cookie, keep my word in mind. Just think about it.
Now, I must retire to my chambers.