The third Monday of TYE proved to be my biggest challenge yet. My weekend before had consisted of copious amounts of alcohol both Friday and Saturday nights, not enough sleep, and generous portions of greasy mexican food, ice cream, pizza, sweet potato casserole, and banana bread. I felt like crap, and I was beginning to notice a pattern. In my old way of doing things, I would eat like this almost every day, and I never noticed how bad it made me feel because I was always operating from the same place of low energy.
I used to joke that I never got hangovers, but now I am realizing that since I already felt like shit all the time, a few drinks didn’t really make a huge difference. Now that I had been on the clean living program for several weeks, and I was more in touch with my body, bad choices were hitting me hard.
So, I didn’t want to, but I went to class. I was in a pretty bad mood, and I have to admit, I phoned it in that day. I chose the easiest option on almost every single pose, stepped out of poses sooner than I should have, and just sat and rested during the 10 minute free play time that we were given to try out new asanas. I must have given off a great air of grumpiness, because everyone left me alone that day.
Tuesday was the Illinois Primary Election, which I had volunteered to work at. I had to report at 5 a.m., and we weren’t done until about 8:30 pm, making yoga that day practically impossible, even if I were to have used a DVD. Alas, I vowed to make it up on Saturday morning.
Wednesday I was determined to get my yoga mojo back. That morning, before I went to class, I played myself inspirational YouTube videos including the Rocky theme, and “You’re the Best Around,” by Joe Esposito.
Mary, the Wednesday Ashtanga teacher, is magical. She is one of those people that when you’re around them, you feel like you can breathe again. As some mystics might say, she vibrates at a higher level, is closer to enlightenment than the rest of us, maybe. Just minutes after class started, I was feeling better already. At the end, Mary guided us through backbends using several props. Starting out by lying on a high cushion and using blocks stabilized against the wall for our hands, we were instructed to hoist ourselves up, resting on our head halfway through, and continuing on up until we were fully extended into the pose. I surprised myself by being able to do it easily. The spell was broken, and from that moment, the rest of the week was glittery and happy.
Things were clicking into place. In the shower, I was washing my hair, and I noticed that I was holding a lot of tension in my shoulders. Remembering the Warrior 1 asana, I released my shoulders and extended my arms through my triceps instead. It was a subtle shift, but it felt more relaxed. Things were starting to make sense viscerally that I had only understood intellectually before. Your yoga practice is your life! Your life is your yoga practice! If someone would have said this to me at the beginning, my response would have been, “of course!” But I no longer felt like I was dragging my body around with me, I felt as though I was getting closer to the harmony that we are all consciously or unconsciously searching for.
Then, in Friday’s class, when we were given a few minutes to do whatever we wanted, I decided to try the backbend again, but this time, without the props. When she saw what I was preparing to attempt, Jenna, the instructor came over to encourage me. Again, I floated into the pose easily, and I think we were both a little bit surprised. After I lay back down on the floor, Jenna said, “You know, because your shoulders are so open, next time when you get into the pose you can try to take it to the next step and lower yourself down onto your forearms, and clasp your hands like this.” She demonstrated the hand clasp, but I was in a daze. “Excuse me?” I thought, “My shoulders are open? You mean there is something in yoga that I don’t completely suck at???”
During Savasana, I experienced a little bit of an emotional release. It has been interesting, putting myself in this situation where I am completely out of my comfort zone and everything is difficult. I forgot what it felt like to be able to do something right. Moreover, the backbend is traditionally used to stimulate and open the heart chakra (which is about love and your relationship with others and the greater world.) I started crying, but I wasn’t exactly sure why. All I knew is that I had just made another big step.
Namaste.