Saturday night promises to be the kind of night that any good football fan lives for: the family around, the weekend in full swing, Illinois’ Rose Bowl appearance just a few days off, and the chance to watch the New England Patriots (with a likely win over the New York Giants at the Meadowlands) sweep the regular season and solidify themselves as official front runners for the title of “Greatest NFL Team Forever and Ever—and Nineteen-Seventy-What?”
Except, of course, that the C–U fan will only be able to catch the game if:
a). Said fan subscribes to the NFL Network through a cable provider’s sports package or has inclusive access through DirecTV
b). Said fan doesn’t mind putting all the relatives in the station wagon and driving them to the sports bar
I’ve heard more than a few fans denounce companies like Insight (the area’s major cable provider, which will magically transform into a wing of Comcast at the New Year) for not finding a way to make the NFL Network part of the basic cable package. But even we devotees of the National Football League have to admit that raising everyone’s cable bill nearly a buck a month to pay for round-the-clock, single-sport coverage (a six-month sport by the way) isn’t necessary. In fact, it might be unwise. Allowing the NFL to thrust onto all subscribers a network that obsesses over the franchise’s own narrow product (i.e., pro football) doesn’t bode well for our future cable bills. Next up: The NBA Network. The Painting Network. The Libertarian Broadcasting Corporation. Surely we could drum up some fans of each, but should we all foot the bill?
You know what I think.
So, Saturday night, I’ll gladly seek out a bar stool and watch NFL history in the making far from the comfort of my own couch.
1. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1)
Twenty seconds left on the clock, your team’s down by just four TD strikes — who do you want behind center? Hopefully, for Giants fans, Jared Lorenzen doesn’t sound like a bad option. Because come quarter four, it seems a safe bet that the high-flying Patriots will have the Giants flat on the Meadowlands mat, and Eli Manning will be resting that inconsistent arm for the playoffs.
2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)
Pro Bowl running back Joseph Addai only scrambled for 26 yards. And the Colts D didn’t chalk up a single sack. What are the boys from Indy to do? In fact, the Colts are doing almost everything else right these days, including getting healthier by the day and sidelining many of their stars Sunday after carting a 38–7 lead into the fourth quarter. This is a team gearing up for a January charge.
3. DALLAS COWBOYS (5)
Terrell Owens teased Tony Romo (publicly), and before you could say “Dukes of Hazzard” Romo’s latest fling, Jessica Simpson, had been relegated to an off-camera seat. Dallas actually beat Carolina on Sunday, so perhaps the Jessica trick worked. (The week earlier, Dallas fell to a weaker Philly team as a pink-jerseyed Simpson clapped from a private box.) The Redskins are hoping to see Simpson front-and-center week 17, when they try to topple the Cowboys and slide into the post-season.
4. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (4)
Two to Indy, one to New Orleans, and one to Tennessee: Thus is the roster of the Jaguars’ losses this season. Indy is clearly a hurdle the Jags have not quite figured out how to clear, but with a bruising defense and Fred Taylor on automatic on the ground, this is a team well positioned to go far in the playoffs.
5. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2)
Blame it on the weather. Or blame it on the fact that the Packers are still a young team (despite their aging QB), who are bound to stumble now and again. In fact, blame it on a sudden onset of the late-season blues. Maybe it was just a fluke — one of those flukes that most divisions (excluding the AFC East) tend to witness in rivalries, regardless of record. At the end of the day, the loss matters much less than the fact that come the playoffs Brett Favre will have to take his Packers into the Cowboys’ home stadium, where he’s never won. (Assuming both teams make it this far, of course.)
6. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (6)
L.T. is a stud — what else can you say? And the defense served up four sacks, two interceptions, and caused two fumbles. But which way will the Rivers flow? A decent Monday Night Football performance against Denver followed a string of shaky outings for quarterback Philip Rivers. It’s not necessarily the case that the Chargers go as Rivers does, but a strong performance or two in January could make all the difference.
7. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (11)
8. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (9)
9. NEW YORK GIANTS (14)
Eli Manning? Atrocious once again. We’re talking 7-of-15-and-two- interceptions-and-no-TDs atrocious. But Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw teamed up for nearly 300 yards on the ground Sunday, leading the Giants past the Bills — and if the Giants have any post-season hopes, they’d better be prepared to ride these running backs through January.
10. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (8)
Sure, you might argue that as the weakest NFC division leader and as a team with question marks in all phases of its game, the Bucs might be wise to use the final few games of the season to get a full head of steam as they move toward the playoffs. But with the division clinched, John Gruden and the Tampa Bay brass decided that a loss to a sputtering San Fran squad was better than the long-term loss of a key player. Tune in two weeks from now to see if the plan worked.
11. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (7)
12. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (16)
13. CLEVELAND BROWNS (10)
It’s gut-check time for the Cleveland Browns, who need only post a victory against the Niners — and count on the Colts to topple the Titans — to make the post-season for the first time since 2002. If this happens, expect the Browns to look forward to a rematch with the Steelers, who they nearly downed in a week 10 meeting.
14. TENNESSEE TITANS (12)
Sure, the Colts are likely to rest many of their starters on Sunday night. But not until the starters put up enough points on the Titans that Vince Young and company will have to assemble an actual offense to come back and win. And if they don’t — which I wouldn’t bet on — they’ll help the Browns set sail into the playoffs.
15. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (18)
16. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (13)
In case you hadn’t heard, this week in Chicago we’ll all see a drama of Shakespearian proportions: The Young vs. the Old, the Protégé vs. the Mentor, the former Purdue Boilermaker Kyle Orton vs. his predecessor and guide at Purdue, Drew Brees. And, in fact, this game might have playoff implications. Let’s borrow directly from ESPN.com for insight: “It’s a three-step process for the Saints. They must beat Chicago and hope the Redskins and Vikings lose. Final game: at Bears.” In other words, thou hast shat the bed, dear Saints, and barring a miracle, thou must lie in it.
17. ARIZONA CARDINALS (20)
18. BUFFALO BILLS (17)
A tough loss at home against a Giants team that many prognosticators tipped to the Bills doesn’t bode well for Buffalo’s season-ending game in Philadelphia, against an Eagles squad that (though too little, too late) is showing signs of, well, competency.
19. HOUSTON TEXANS (15)
The story out of Houston this year: Former first-round pick Mario Williams proves he’s the defensive monster he’d been billed as. (He posted another sack against the Colts Sunday to bring his season total to 14, second in the league behind Seattle’s Patrick Kerney.) But Texans fans hope the story next year will be told in a single headline: Playoffs.
20. DETROIT LIONS (22)
21. CHICAGO BEARS (23)
22. CAROLINA PANTHERS (21)
23. DENVER BRONCOS (19)
One thing you learn as the author of the Polite Power Rankings is that rewarding utter collapse is simply unconscionable. It’s true that Denver was on the road, and it’s true that they were playing the Polite Power Ranking #6 San Diego Chargers, and it’s true the bright lights of a Christmas Eve Monday night game were upon them…but come on. Anemic play on all sides of the ball spells B-I-G W-O-R-K A-H-E-A-D for the off-season.
24. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (25)
25. CINCINNATI BENGALS (26)
In AFC North showdowns this season, the Bengals beat the Ravens twice and were beaten by the Steelers twice. They lost their first match-up to the Browns in a slingfest that inaugurated Cleveland QB Derek Anderson into the club of NFL starters. To leave division play 50/50, the Bengals had to avenge that early-season loss — and so they did on Sunday. It wasn’t pretty, but Cincy fans are beyond looking for “pretty” this year.
26. NEW YORK JETS (24)
27. OAKLAND RAIDERS (27)
28. BALTIMORE RAVENS (28)
29. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (30)
30. ST. LOUIS RAMS (29)
31. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)
Bobby Petrino and Michael Vick have inadvertently joined forces to ensure that the Falcons hit rock bottom. Now it’s time to wipe those memories clean and begin the process of starting over, basically, from scratch.
32. MIAMI DOLPHINS (31)