From the Washington Whig-Prevaricator News Service
Congressman Timothy V. Johnson (R-Ill.) was killed today when struck by a speeding vehicle as he tried to cross K Street in downtown Washington, D.C. Johnson, who had just finished a lunch of nuts and berries in Franklin Park, was carrying a juice drink from Juice Joint Café on Vermont Ave. and was headed for a meeting at a nearby K Street firm.
A witness to the accident said that when the truck bore down on him, Johnson acted “a little squirrely. He froze, darted to the left, then froze, and darted to the right.” The truck, however, darted to the right faster, caught Johnson on its right bumper, and flung him to the right side of the street where he expired in a deep red pool of the beet and carrot juice. The District coroner stated it was probable that Johnson died from the collision, but that diet could not be ruled out.
District of Columbia Police said they are looking for a late model red Dodge pick-up truck with numerous bumper stickers on the tailgate. Witnesses said one of stickers said “Don’t Retreat, Reload!” and that the driver and his woman passenger both wore tri-cornered hats and sported Hulk Hogan mustaches.
Johnson has represented the 15th district of Illinois for 10 years. Spokesman Bill Pantaloons, tearfully yet insouciantly tugging on his loosened necktie, said Johnson was a man of many principles. “He could pull up any old principle for any position he might take, and then some,” Pantaloons said.
Pantaloons said that although dead, Johnson would run for another term in the House, even though he had promised that he would serve only while alive. “Tim underestimated the value of seniority. He didn’t understand what he could accomplish for his district by being there a longer period. The increasing power of zombies in the Party could pay off in some nice bacon for East Central Illinois as Tim joins them.”
Services will be this weekend with a processional around and around and around the inside of Lincoln Square Mall. Memorials can be made to the TV Johnson in Perpetuity Fund.