Welcome to Big Ten season. The kid gloves are off. Fuck Nebraska.
The University of Nebraska is located in Nebraska, so right away you know there’s nothing good about it. Every square foot of Nebraska is required by law to either have corn or be owned by an arrogant conservative billionaire. The corn is still predominant, but the Koch brothers are buying land like they buy politicians so one day they can run Nebraska like their own fiefdom.
No one wants to live in Nebraska. The state’s population is approximately 1.8 million, which is just shy of 1 million people less than the city of Chicago. More evidence no one wants to live in Nebraska: 89% of cities in Nebraska have populations less than 3,000. For reference, the small towns around Champaign, such as Savoy (7,280), Mahomet (7,258), Monticello (5,138), St. Joseph (3,967), and Tolono (3,447), are all well above that threshold.
I honestly tried to find something interesting about the University of Nebraska unrelated to the athletic program and I came up with nothing. As far as I can tell, there’s just nothing interesting about the University of Nebraska. All they have is sports. That’s sad.
Their sports are sad too. First of all, they go by the nickname “Cornhuskers.” I know those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, and yes Chief Illiniwek was offensive, but Cornhuskers fans are supposed to cheer for Bob’s Big Boy in Nebraska drag or a reappropriated cowboy (who clearly better represents Texas or Montana or Wyoming…I could go on) with an N on his hat? And they’re supposed to call themselves Cornhuskers? Honestly, the only thing worse than that would be calling yourself a hoosier.
At least the idiots who cheer for Nebraska while wearing corn on their head have had some things to cheer for in the past. The Huskers have been to 50 bowl games in their history, including a record 35 consecutive bowls from 1969-2003. After 2003 things got a little rough, though, as the team had its first losing season since 1961 in 2004 and became a nonentity among the college football elites. Current head coach, Bo Pelini, got the team back consistently above .500, but when the team moved from the Big 12 to the vastly superior Big Ten (surprise!) they weren’t as great anymore.
Let’s talk about Pelini for a minute here. This guy has made Nebraska a player again, but he’s a trainwreck. There’s audio of him saying “Fuck you” (I’m paraphrasing) to all Nebraska fans, he’s been fined for yelling at officials on the field and nearly hitting them with his hat, he doesn’t know how to spell, he thinks Nebraska is a professional team, and he probably peed himself on the field — no doubt in anger. Coachin’ Timmy Beckman may have some issues with tobacco and staying the fuck off the field, but jeez, Pelini makes HIM look good.
This season the Huskers are 4-0 and ranked 21st in the AP poll. Big deal. The only reason they’ve looked good is Ameer Abdullah. Apart from his contributions at running back, this team is pedestrian. Quarterback Tommy Armstrong Jr. has an good game’s worth less passing yards than Wes Lunt (886 vs. 1,237), so clearly he’s just been handing the ball off and praying for a first down or more. Nebraska has also been at its worst in the fourth quarter, allowing almost twice as many points in that quarter as in any other quarter. Of course, the fourth quarter is Illini time, where they score twice as many points as in any other quarter. Obviously this bodes well for Illinois.
If you’re an Illini fan that wants to keep thinking good things like this, don’t look up the exact numbers of points Nebraska has given up in the fourth quarter (or total). In fact, don’t look up the stats at all…and don’t watch the game. Just keep thinking, “Fuck Nebraska.”
Illinois plays at Nebraska on Saturday. The game will kick off at 8 p.m. and be televised on the Big Ten Network. The story of this game will be written well before CHVRCHES play at the Highdive at 10:30 p.m. that night.