After a week off, the Illini football team is looking a little healthier and probably a little scarier to Wisconsin fans. Our guest this week, Andrew Rosin of Bucky’s Fifth Quarter, hid his anxiety well, however. We thank him for taking some time away from eating cheese curds and guzzling New Glarus for this interview.
Smile Politely: First things first, did the Badgers over-eat at their usual pre-game cheese curd buffet before playing Purdue? There has to be an excuse for playing a close game for an entire half against Purdue. PURDUE!
Andrew Rosin: Wisconsin is the politest state in the union, and not in that passive-aggressive bless your heart Minnesota way either. We saw the poor unfortunate souls of Purdue football and said let’s give the a moral victory, something they can build on. We didn’t play our best and healthiest team. Because Wisconsin is filled with swell people.
SP: On a related note, what percentage of body mass do cheese curds comprise in a typical Wisconsin player?
Rosin: More than you know and more than I care to admit.
SP: Wisconsin’s “traditions,” according to Wikipedia, include sending a string of hugely underwhelming running backs to the NFL and playing a hip hop song from the ‘90s at each game. Is it the school’s goal to be in the middle of the conference every year regarding best traditions, too?
Rosin: By their nature sports traditions are cornball, and if middle of the pack doesn’t mean we’re super weird about traditions like Michigan or Ohio State and consistently threatening to lose two hands full of games like your Indiana or Purdue? I’m not gonna cry over being middling.
SP: What are the odds Barry Alvarez names himself head coach for a bowl game this year to keep a new tradition alive?
Rosin: This year? It’s not happening. Next year? There’s definitely a chance. It’s going at a congressional rate.
SP: Corey Clement was a healthy inactive last week. He just sat there on the sidelines and watched the game. Is he the Scott Walker of collegiate running backs, getting out of the game early because he knows he’s not a winner?
Rosin: You get some German engineering in a vehicle or a running back, you’re going to be careful with it. I mean, you’re not going to drive your Mercedes in snow and you’re not going to run your stud running back against Purdue. He’ll be back when the time is right and the Badgers aren’t weirdly passing the ball real well.
SP: How is it not an NCAA rules violation to recruit Sunshine from Remember the Titans as your quarterback? His eligibility had to run out years ago.
Rosin: It’s the NCAA, someone got mad Wisconsin was recruiting actors at the end of their career to play football and Chadron State got punished for it.
SP: Tanner McEvoy was supposed to be Wisconsin’s “x-factor,” starring at safety and wide receiver. Instead he’s a second-rate defender and an afterthought on offense. Was hyping him up in the preseason like a really bad attempt at mind games?
Rosin: The receiver part is because weirdly the Badgers actually have more than one person at wide receiver to throw to consistently. I’m surprised too, but Robert Wheelwright and Jazz Peavy are emerging to give the Badgers three times as many viable targets at Wide Receiver than they’ve been used to, as Alex Erickson’s still out there and doing stuff. McEvoy’s one of the leaders on the team in terms of pass break-ups and is still averaging almost ten yards every time he touched the ball. He’s been good, just not been as necessary as originially thought.
SP: Follow-up: Is Jazz Peavy actually just a bass guitar lined up at wideout?
Rosin: No. He’s a mutated stack of Ornette Coleman CDs that gained sentience and flashed surprisingly good hands for hard plastic casing.
SP: Illinois kickers missed four extra points in 2014, but this year Badgers kickers have a worse field goal percentage than Illinois. Does Paul Chryst beat his kickers like we assume Tim Beckman did last year?
Rosin: Here at Wisconsin we go for a more enlightened form of punishment as we make those who fall short on the field watch game film from the Don Morton era. Beckman would leave bruises, watching the veer leaves scars.
SP: When Illinois was an underdog hosting a team wearing red two weeks ago, a bunch of Nebraska fans left Memorial Stadium questioning their life choices. How difficult will the reckoning be for Badgers fans this weekend?
Rosin: I’ll admit depending on the star of Princess and Slightly Single in LA is a risky proposition, but the Badgers defensively match up really well with what Illinois wants to do with a veteran secondary and a sure tackling and aggressively pass rushing linebacking crew. I like Ke’Shawn Vaughn’s upside, but Illinois’ running game has been worse than the Badgers has this season. Illinois hits the backdoor cover, but the Badgers win 21-17.
Top image from the Associated Press. Stave image from Jeff Hanisch / USA TODAY Sports. This week is Homecoming at Illinois, which means there will be a plethora of festivities going on Saturday leading up to the 2:30 pm kick-off against Wisconsin. If you don’t feel like being a part of the campus atmosphere, you can watch the game on the Big Ten Network.