I know it’s almost spring because I’m getting all antsy. I saw a headline the other day about the Cardinals having a meeting. I hoped and prayed it was an effort to get a fucking shortstop. It turns out it was a different set of cardinals trying to elect a Pope. I’m not super clear on whether or not we really need a Pope, but I can tell you that the other Cardinals really need a goddamned shortstop.
I know the Pope is a big deal, but he’s old and retiring. Those cardinals should have seen that shit coming. Actually, the other Cardinals should have seen that shit coming too with Rafael Furcal, too. He’s old and should have been retiring. Instead, he just didn’t get off-season arm surgery, but instead waited to get this surgery once the season started. Unbelievable. Who knows, Pete Kozma might work out. Hell, who knows, the next Pope might work out, too.
That would really be something, wouldn’t it? Pete Kozma manages to keep his OPS over 650 and play decent defense and the new Pope supports gay marriage and not molesting kids and maybe lets priests get a little tail sometimes and maybe even lets women be priests. Fine, it turns out Pete Kozma is looking better and better all the time. All this cardinal talk is confusing. Let’s get it on.
THERE’S A WHITE GLOB ON THE CHIN OF THAT CHIN
My friend, let’s call him Eddie Chin, came back to town last week. He sort of spends time in many different locations these days. Lately, it seems like he only comes back for funerals, so it was nice to have him back in town for a birthday party. Yes, he does put the F-U-N in funeral, but trust me, that dying shit gets old after a while.
I first saw Eddie at Esquire Lounge back when it was just the one side. I had no idea who he was, but someone said he cooked at his mom’s restaurant. It was at this point I began calling him Hop Sing, who you may remember was the Asian cook on Bonanza. It was a simpler time when that sort of casual racism was totally okay. Anyway, I didn’t know him, but he really got on my nerves, mostly because he seemed to be having a much better time than I was.
Eventually, we got introduced. He still got on my nerves, but he quickly became one of my best friends. We’d play golf and tennis. We would often drink before and during and after golf, but only after tennis because it’s much easier to fall down in tennis.
Either way, back when This Sporting Life used to be a column I’d send out to people’s email, which I know seems weird, I used to make fun of Eddie a lot. I would often pretend he was doing pornographic movies and then make up funny titles for them. I thought it might be fun to go back to the archives and look at a few of those. Holy crap there were a ton of them, so I just picked a few.
The first one I found was “The Importance of Being In Ernest.” The tag line on that was, “Hey Vern, quit banging me.” As you can see, that old column was quite a treat. Another funny fake porn movie was “Children of a Lesser Rod,” where he counsels deaf children with tiny gennies. Man, I really miss that column, but I bet no one else really does all that much. He was also in a couple of thrillers. The first was “A Man Apart … At the Ankles.” The second was “Runaway Curry.” I didn’t understand this at first, but it’s a scatological play on “Runaway Jury” and involves Eddie and some bad Indian food.
I could really go on all day, but I’ll finish up with “Lord of the Cock Rings” and “Catch Me in the Can.” I gotta say, the only thing I love more than Eddie is his sense of humor. Otherwise he would still be beating my dumb ass.
WHY DON’T YOU BLOW THESE BUBBLES, MR. BLOOMBERG
I was really glad that the soda size ban got shut down in New York before it came into effect. Yes, I’m well aware that it doesn’t affect me in any way, but I still don’t like it when politicians tell other people what to do. Should people drink less soda? They sure should, but for fuck sake, can we not trust the common man to make any decisions on their own? Sure, no one needs 48 ounces of soda pop, but you know, sometimes a person can be really thirsty or insanely hung-over and a big cup of sugary bubbles is the only thing that can knock loose all that nicotine and scotch from a person’s throat. It’s just not the government’s business.
I remember some time ago when I looked at the smoking ban in bars and restaurants the same way. Actually, I still feel as I did then. If you own a bar and pay taxes and you want to allow smoking, then that should be just fine. If people don’t want to come into a smoky bar, then they can go somewhere else. The market place will usually take care of itself if people allow it to.
Having said that, I really don’t miss smoking inside. Having said that, it’ll be real nice when the patios open again and I can smoke there and drink at the same time. I plan to enjoy it while I can because you know that shit ain’t gonna last either.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
I have no idea what the hell this video is about or why he wants to bang so bad, but either way, it brings me great joy.
EXTRAS
Holy crap, I just realized that Vince Neil and Brett Michaels aren’t the same guy.
People really need to stop referring to Russell Brand as a comedian. That sort of thing implies he’s funny in some way.
My totally awesome wife got me the new Frightened Rabbit CD last week. I’ve only listened to it once so far, but I think it might be really, really good. I think they got sort of famous when I wasn’t looking. So, um, good for them.
Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.